Miscarriage ~ The Grief of Emptiness

My sweetheart and I were married on August 14, 1978, and we desired to have children as soon as the Lord would give them to us.

By November 8th, I was calling my gynecologist for information on a pregnancy test.  That was back in the day before you could purchase a self-test kit from your local drug store.  Never having had a pregnancy test before, the instructions given to me were to provide them with a sample of my morning urine.  The next day I carried my brown paper bag with a urine filled container into the doctor’s office for testing.  Then I waited for the results.  Strangely enough, I had heard a loud roar of laughter just after my sample was received by the nearby lab personnel.  I quickly reasoned that the full quart-size mason jar was a little more than what was needed for a pregnancy test!  I would have laughed with them, but I really wasn’t feeling well.  My husband had been on military sick-call for a few days and had already been admitted to the base hospital for further testing.  I was beginning to wonder if I was coming down with whatever he had.  A little later, and with a little more laughter, the official results were given to me: I was indeed pregnant.  Then I asked, “Should I be concerned that I am spotting?”

It was the next day, and my husband was being discharged from the base hospital.  But, my friend had taken me to the local ER, and I was now being admitted to a different hospital. I was in the process of having a miscarriage.  It was November 10, 1978, the decade of Roe vs. Wade, and Americans were being desensitized in order for them to accept the agenda for a woman’s right to choose. The questions I asked were responded to with medical terminology that was emotionally cold, indifferent, and that dehumanized the life that had been within me.  “You had a spontaneous abortion. The fetus was between 6 - 8 weeks gestation.”  But my heart cried, “My baby died!” as a grief of emptiness began to consumed me.

This grief of emptiness...
...where there is no grave to stand beside, no tombstone to read, no pictures to reminisce over, and no memories to share: this is the grief of emptiness.  A grief of things that never happened but were hoped for, of things that might have been but never will be.  This grief was consuming me to a point of breaking.  Many times the only ones who understand the depth of this grief are those who have shared the same loss of an unborn child, a still birth, or the deep sorrow of a barren womb.  I didn’t need the encouragement of “You can try again.”   I was too devastated by the loss of this child.  I felt alone in my grief, after all, there hadn’t been time for any joyous announcement before my heart was forever broken for this child.  Even my husband was still trying to get his head around the thought of being a father when I was suddenly engulfed with a grief that he could not fathom.  Bewildered by the events that had so quickly come upon our lives, he was at a loss as to how he could comfort me.  He just wanted me to be alright.

The years passed, and the Lord gave us five healthy children to raise.  Then came the unbelievable  heartbreak of a grief I have never known: my 28 year old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly died.

I fell back onto the chair as I cried out in defiance... the room felt like a vacuum as my body struggled to breathe.  I tried to reason that there was no truth in the words I had just heard.  But this echo of despair was relentless, and I was forced to face a truth I couldn’t deny: my daughter was dead, and the rest of my earthly life would be lived without her.  Memories of my daughter spun in my mind and fear began to grip my heart.  Would I forget her laugh, her voice, her smile, her touch: I desperately tried to capture and seal my memories of her before they escaped me forever.


There are still days when my heart is in my throat and I struggle to swallow.  I look at the calendar, and it betrays my heart.  How can it be years when it still feels like yesterday?

This is an abyss of grief beyond all measure that still breaks me.

There is comfort in knowing the Lord.  His grace is sufficient.  But this does not mean our sorrow ends.  It means we are never alone in our sorrow.
To grieve is not to disbelieve; grief is the measure of love. 
It is His grace that points us to another day.  My mother’s heart knows that every child I carried will be etched on my heart forever.  When I get to heaven, I will know the baby I never knew, this child will be standing beside their sister, Kimberly.

In Kimberly's Bible...

...there was taped this small packet of sand...


...and the verse it was illustrating is found in Psalms 139:15-18.

...And Then Came Grief... my daughter died!

I collapse to the floor and mourn.  Grief has come to forever intrude on my life.  The hours, days, months, and years pass and yet I do not perceive them, I am stuck in that dreadful moment when I lost you.

Grief, the visitor who never leaves, inserts itself into every aspect of my life.  It shadows me like an impending storm...I feel it.  I hear it.  I see it and it overtakes me.  It dulls every happy moment.  I am ravished by it’s unending depth of sorrow...again...and again, until all I want is to die and end this aching of my heart.

There is a confounding complexity to Grief and Time:

Grief... you are both joy and sorrow to me for without love there would be no grief and I am eternally thankful to know this love.

Time... I want to remember every memory as if it were made today and I fear what you will steal  from me, and yet, time is the only thing that draws me closer to when I will see my daughter again.

Grief, I stand in the path of your devastation, sometimes unable to move, many times not knowing how to pickup the pieces, valiantly you have tried to conquer me and you almost succeed.

Grief, I make a resolve, your lessons are cruel but I choose to walk with you.  I do not fear you.  You will not make my heart cold.  I will not be isolated in my grief.  And, as with an impending storm, I choose to be prepared for the despair you will forever shower on me.

I will smile through you.

I will joy through you.

And, by God’s grace, I will live through you.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... 

...thou art with me...”. ~ Psalm 23:4

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; 

of whom shall I be afraid?” ~ Psalm 27:1

 Kimberly Renee Coley

September 7, 1986

December 17, 2014

Embracing Grief

Embracing Grief

Kimberly Renee Coley
7 Sept.  1986 ~ 17 Dec. 2014

Just because my grief is deep, does not mean my faith is shallow. There is a strength in this grief. Only grief knows grief...and only grief is unafraid to embrace the depth of this sorrow.

It was January 2015 and my husband and I were in Oklahoma, as it was a Sunday evening, we dropped by a small church. The weather was bitterly cold and patches of snow were a reminder that winter was not yet finished with us. As we walked into the building, we were warmly greeted with handshakes and a smile, a good Baptist greeting, and then a question... "You’re the Coleys, aren’t you?" Another said, "I was in classes with your son at Heartland (Baptist Bible College)" while others began to tell us that they knew two of our daughters who had also graduated from HBBC. And then the expressions of condolences and sympathy began... "we are so sorry for your loss"... "I cannot imagine the loss of a child." 

This kind church family had heard about our Kimberly’s passing and had quickly responded with a card and a love-offering to help with our many unexpected financial needs. The kind of needs a missionary family, with five adult children living miles apart from each other, would incur during an unimaginable trauma such as ours. We were introduced to the pastor and then the pastor introduced me to his wife. I had no memory of ever meeting this young woman before. She was wearing a pink dress and her long dark hair framed her beautiful face. I smiled and she accepted my extended hand in the familiar Baptist greeting, but, unexpectedly, this kind woman drew me close to her and wrapped her arms around me. Her warm embrace was consoling to my heart in a way that words could not. As she continued to embrace me, I began wondering how she knew our Kimberly. And then I realized, it wasn’t our Kimberly she knew...this pastor’s wife, and mother of eight knew my grief, and it was with her grief that she embraced me and cried with me. 

Mrs. Michelle Bishop had lost her firstborn 19 year old son, Beau Bishop, almost a year ago in a one-car accident on February 10, 2014. 

Only grief knows grief...and only grief is unafraid to embrace the depth of this sorrow. Only grief is able to console grief with it’s silent embrace.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort: Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~ II Corinthians 1:3, 4

 

Written by Jane Coley ~ May 2015

 

 

Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die

Kimberly Renee Coley
Sept. 7, 1986 ~ Dec. 17, 2014

 

"I was too young to die, that’s what people say.

They can’t understand, why God took me away.

I guess that is something, they have yet to see.

But I have peace in knowing, it was His plan for me.

I was His creation. He gave me every breath.

And He knew all along, the timing of my death.

I know it took you by surprise. It caught us all off guard.

But I hope you will trust in God, though this will be hard.

Let Him bring you comfort. Rest in His embrace.

Call to Him when you’re hurting. Accept His endless grace.

Let Him bring you healing and all your needs supply.

Trust in His loving kindness, when your heart is asking "why?"

For as much as I loved you. He loves you even more.

His will is always best. His motives always pure.

I know right now you’re hurting, everything feels wrong.

But I am safe in Heaven, I’m right where I belong.

And though I hated to leave you, I know you’ll be o.k.

God will be with you, each moment of each day.

Someday we will meet again. God’s promises are true.

He has never let me down and He will not fail you."

 

(Both) Written by Nicole Madaus

The loss so sudden, the pain so deep,
A part of me is incomplete.
You were here, but now you’re gone,
And I still have to carry on.
How could this happen? How could it be?...
Why did God take you from me?
It hurts so much I can’t explain,
The depths of my grief and pain.
It’s not supposed to be this way,
To lose a child is not o.k.
I’m angry and hurt. I’m full of grief.
I can’t imagine finding relief.
I feel so lost and so alone.
Forced to suffer on my own.
I don’t know what to say or do?
How can I live without you?

I know it was sudden, the pain is deep,
And right now you’re feeling incomplete.
I was there and now I’m gone,
But God can help you carry on.
There aren’t easy answers for why God took me,
But trust in faith what your eyes cannot see.
I know it hurts and you can’t explain,
The depths of your grief and pain.
You lost a child and it’s not o.k.,
But God can get you through each day.
Give Him your anger, your hurt, your grief.
In Him you’ll find peaceful relief.
It won’t be easy, but you’re not alone.
You don’t have to suffer on your own.
Run to Him and stay close by His side,
In His comfort and love you can safely abide.
And though for now we must be apart,
I’ll remain in the memories you keep in your heart.

The Most Unnatural Thing...

The Most Unnatural Thing...

"Twonane Milele" is a Swahili phrase meaning "Let us meet in eternity"

It is the most unnatural thing...for a parent to stand before a gravestone and read the name of their child etched in the stone at their feet. The two dates representing the moments in time when your life changed forever. The date of beginnings, the date of endings... the date of joy, and the date of deep sorrow and grief.

Some days I don’t want to get out of bed.
Many times I won’t even look at a calendar. Looking at the calendar only betrays my emotions because each day still feels like it was yesterday when we first received the news that our Kimberly had passed away.

I cry every day... since the news of our daughter’s death. But I have found that the most therapeutic thing I do for myself, is to pray for someone else, and to be concerned with their heartaches. I do have to admit, I sometimes get annoyed with the seemingly petty things people request prayer for, but when I sense myself getting annoyed, I recognize I’m opening the door to allow bitterness to take root, and my Kimberly was too sweet, and too special for me to allow any bitterness to be attached to her memory.

August 24, 2014 our last Sunday Lunch together.

 I am thankful for the grace of God that comforts my broken heart. If it were not for His wonderful grace, I would be consumed by my grief. 

Daily I must choose... to not allow my grief to rob me of my joy.

Daily I must choose... to remember all that was tender, sweet, loving, precious, and unique about my daughter.

Daily I must choose... to not allow my beautiful memories to be marred by this temporal parting called death.

I grieve for my daughter... But I have an eternal certainty beyond this earth that comforts my heart and my soul.
 

"And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."

~ John 16:22

"Who by him do believe in God, that raised him up from the dead, and gave him glory; that your faith and hope might be in God."

~ I Peter 1:21

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

~ Psalm 116:15

"We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."

~ II Corinthians 5:8

"For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

~ II Corinthians 5:1

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:"

~ John 11:25

"And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life."

~ I John 2:25

 

Aug. 27, 2014. At the AR airport headed back to Kenya.
The last time I held her.

 

Written by Jane Coley ~ August 2015

Growing In Grief

Growing In Grief

The day our daughter passed away...
my breaking heart made this silent request,
"Please... My Dear Lord God... please,
...bury me with my child!
It will be more merciful to be buried with her,
than trying to go through this life without her."
But a soft reply echoed back,
"I will be with you."

I began to think of the happiness my daughter would never know... falling in love, and all the whimsical delights that come with a true first love... her wedding day, and the excitement of watching her bounce down the aisle. I remember how Kimberly, with her arms flared at her sides, had bounced down the aisle of her ‘05 highschool graduation. When she later saw herself on video, she laughed and wondered if she would bounce at her wedding...but now, we will never know. We would then, eventually, have looked forward to her pregnancies and her babies... all Kimberly ever really wanted, from this earthly life, was to be a wife and a mother.

My heart ached for the happiness she would never know.

Me and Kim ~ '05

Then, before I could even ask the question...
"Why not," was His gentle reply.

"Why can she not be with Me?
Though I know you love her, I have always loved her more.
She is safe with Me.
Nothing more will hurt her.
All her anxieties are passed.
She will never know another disappointment.
All her struggles have ended.
Her fears are all gone.
She is My child, and she is forever safe with Me." Oh, how His heart must ache as He sees us struggling through this earthly life. 

My disappointment with the Lord ended as I conceded to the realization that this earthly life has limited moments of happiness sandwiched between endless disappointments, struggles and heartaches.

I cry every day, not because of what she missed but because my sorrow is in the missing of her. The rest of my earthly life is still a very long time to wait until I will hold her again.

I will always hurt... but I am not bitter. There will always be a sadness... but I am not angry. My tears will always come easily... but don’t expect me to restrain them... tears are often the consequence of loving memories. My sorrow is deep and I am forever changed...this is the reality of grief.

Descriptive Bible verses express my sorrow, and I know I have a Saviour who is touched by my grief. My comfort is through the Lord Jesus Christ, and my counsel is from the Word of God.

I am in awe... that He would know... with an awareness so profoundly expressed through these verses, just how deeply I grieve.

"I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because of grief..." ~ Psalm 6:6, 7a

"I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God." ~ Psalm 69:3

"...my groaning is not hid from thee. My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me." ~ Psalm 38:9b, 10

"...I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart." ~ Romans 9:2

"How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?" ~ Psalm 13:2a

"My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread." ~ Psalm 102:4

"By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin." ~ Psalm 102:5

"Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission," ~ Lamentations 3:49

"...lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep." ~ 1 Samuel 30:4b

"...my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength."  "...there remained no strength in me, neither is there breath left in me."  ~  Daniel 11:16b & 17b

There is a great misconception about God in relation to how He cares for his children. Many think that being a child of God means He is to keep us from the troubles and distresses of this earthly life. But, this is not so...God is not in the ‘keeping us from’ ...He is in the ‘carrying us through’ of life’s heartaches.

"God will not put more on us than we are able to bear." is not a biblical teaching. It is a mis-teaching, taken out of context, from I Corinthians 10:13.

Yes, God does put more on us than we are able to bear...but... He does not put on us more than He is able to bear, as my friend, Pastor Jeff Russell, reminded me. God said to the Apostle Paul, "...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." ~ II Corinthians 12:9

My Lord knows... my Lord understands... He cares, and He is touched by our sorrows.

He is the burden lifter... "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." ~ I Peter 5:7

He is a present help... "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." ~ Psalm 46:1

He is "...a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief... ...he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." ~ Isaiah 53:3 & 4

Christ understands the depth of all sorrows...and it has always been His burden to carry us through... "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, ...thou art with me..." ~ Psalms 23:4

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." ~ Isaiah 41:10

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." ~ Isaiah 43:2

If I had not already known Him as Saviour, and the assurance of Heaven, then I would not now know the grace of His comfort and the mercy of His peace. It is through this tragedy, of our daughter’s death, that my loving Lord has been so dearly close.

I do not ask the Lord to mend my broken heart because I am asking that He preserve my memories and to grant me access to things I had forgotten... my tears are the evidence of this answered prayer.

My relationship with God is of my choosing...

Daily I must choose... to draw nearer to God. "Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you." ~ James 4:8

Daily I must choose... to not allow my grief to rob me of joy. "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5

Daily I must choose... to remember He is my refuge; my place of security. "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us." ~ Psalm 62:8

If I do not daily choose these... then, by my neglect, the darkness will come and the sorrow will overwhelm me until my heart is devoured by grief and there is nothing left but the hollowness of bitterness and disdain where once there was a heart.

God is not in the business of making super Christians, but He is in the business of taking surrendered Christians and doing something amazing through their surrendered lives.

"My dear Lord God...I surrender to You my broken heart...I do not ask that You mend it... I only ask that You use it."

"Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~ II Corinthians 1:4

Kimberly loving on her first nephew, Kayin. '09

Written by Kimberly’s Mom ~ August 2015

The Proving Ground

"He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed trusting in the Lord."

Psalm 112:7

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise."

Psalm 57:7

"Evil tidings"... When bad news, or difficult situations come your way, what is your reaction? Recently, I found myself reacting to bad news, and a difficult situation, opposite from the admonition of these verses. Instead of trusting in the Lord, I questioned Him. Instead of my fixed-heart singing and praising, I cried and complained. As I wondered why I had pouted my way through another struggle, my thoughts went to a playground full of children... .

In our early ministry life, my husband was an assistant pastor, and we both taught in our Christian school. At this particular time, our school had about 350 students, and this was the year that my daughter was in my Second grade class, along with 26 other students. Though everyone knew she was my daughter, we liked being teacher and student while we were at school, and so my daughter would call me "Teacher" instead of "Mom" while I was on duty.

Our Christian school had a great playground that was designed and built by our pastor, so there was nothing like it anywhere else. We had a huge climbing tower, restricted for the big kids in the Third through Sixth grades (8 to 12 year olds) , and a smaller Jungle Jim for the younger children in Kindergarten through Second grades (4 to 7 years olds). There was also an in-between piece of playground equipment that we teachers soon realized was being used as some sort of "proving ground" by the Second grade students. This piece of equipment was the Monkey Bars. Students would climb the three ladder rungs up and then stretch to reach the first bar, which was about seven feet from the ground. After they had firmly gripped the first bar, they would then start to swing their bodies back and forth until they had enough momentum to swing their arm forward and grab onto the next bar. They would continue, grabbing bar after bar until they had reached the other end, which was about twelve feet away. The students who had accomplished this feat, 7 feet up and 12 feet long, were no longer considered to be little kids of the playground, and no one would call them "baby" any more. They had proved their strength and determination to their peers, and their accomplishment was celebrated by all who watched.

One day, while most of the students were playing in the field, I noticed my daughter climbing the first three rungs of the Monkey Bars. This was not her first attempt; she had often climbed up only to become fearful and climb back down. But this time, as another teacher and I looked on, she stretched herself forward and caught the first bar... and then the next... and the next, until she was a third of the way through this "proving ground feat". Then she stopped, and began crying out to me. I could hear the fear in her voice as she cried, "Mommy, help me now!".

I came near to her, but I didn’t touch her. I knew she had just overcome her greatest fear by making it this far onto the bars. I had helped many others students through this "proving ground" test, and I knew she had the strength to finish: I just had to convince her. I told her I wouldn’t let her get hurt and that I was close enough to catch her if she slipped. I even told her to let go and I would catch her, but she wanted me to wrap my arms around her and lift her to safety. She continued kicking and crying, begging me to help her. I told her the strength she was using to pitch-a-fit on the bar was enough to get her across and she needed to use that strength to reach for the next bar.

She finally made it to the other side of the Monkey Bars. The other teacher and I were telling her how well she had done, that she was so brave to keep on going and that we were happy for her accomplishment! But my daughter wasn’t happy. All she said to me was, "Mommy, you were supposed to help me." I could hear the disappointment in her voice, and she walked away frustrated with me. She wasn’t relieved that she had made it safely to the other side. All she focused on was how I hadn’t helped her like she expected me to, and how I hadn’t kept her from being so afraid.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but even as an adult, I sometimes behave just like my daughter. When things on this proving ground of life get tough to deal with, I want my Heavenly Father to wrap His arms around me and lift me to safety. I don’t want to have to continue in the struggle... I don’t want to be afraid. I want help now! Just as my daughter’s playground expectations were disappointed by me, I had to admit that my proving ground experience was similar, and I found myself frustrated with the Lord.

Then I realized, once again, that I had pitched-a-fit when I should have been trusting the Lord. I had wanted help out of the struggle instead of help through the struggle. I wish there was an easier way to learn the lesson expressed in this Psalm, but the lesson of how to fix our heart on the Lord, through difficult situations, can only come while experiencing the difficult situation.

It was another day, and my daughter, surrounded by her peers, climbed the Monkey Bars again. While the children watched, she reached for the first bar. With confidence, she reached for the next bar... and then the next, until she had reached the other side, seven feet up and twelve feet long. Her peers celebrated her accomplishment... and she smiled.

Too often it is forgotten that spiritual strength is built through the struggle. Too often it is forgotten that "the proving ground" of faith is never a comfortable place. But often enough, when the struggle is over, we smile with contentment and a refreshed spirit knowing the Lord was with us all the way through.

"Yea, though I walk through... thou art with me...". Psalms 23:4

Points to Ponder ~ Eve

I’m starting this new series, Points to Ponder, to share with you some of the things I have pondered while I’ve studied women in the Bible. Perhaps my ponderings will be interesting to you... or perhaps it will stir some ponderings of your own. Either way, I thank you for visiting my blog, and I welcome your comments.

 

 

Eve... some blame her for sin entering the world, after all, she took the first bite of the forbidden fruit. But, did you know, God did not place this condemnation on her shoulders? The blame for sin entering the world is placed, by God, on the shoulders of Adam.
Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man (Adam) sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:" Romans 5:19 "For as by one man’s (Adam’s) disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one (Christ) shall many be made righteous.
I Corinthians 15:21, 22 "For since by man (Adam) came death, by man (Christ) came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."

Eve was not without her part in all this, though. She was "beguiled" (II Corinthians 11:3), "deceived," and that put her "in the transgression" (I Timothy 2:14)... an "accessary to the fact" might be the legal term used today, if her case were to be tried in a court of law. And, for argument’s sake, and in defense of herself, Eve could give evidence that she was not even present when God gave the commandment to Adam to not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil... and she wasn’t. God’s commandment to Adam was given in Genesis 2:17, but Eve’s creation did not take place until Genesis 2:22.


From bite... to bite. ~ I’ve imagined the happenings in that brief moment of time between Eve’s first bite of the forbidden fruit, to Adam’s first bite. In that brief moment - from bite to bite - no doubt Eve as enjoying the taste of the fruit. Perhaps she thought about how nothing was happening... no thunderbolt from the sky... no loud voice from heaven condemning her actions... nothing but the pure enjoyment of delicious fruit. But deception creeps in slowly... and it was taking it’s hold on her heart. Convinced that this fruit was a good thing, pleasant in every way, and with the added benefit "to make one wise." Eve was fully enthralled in this adventure of a lifetime... and she felt good. Passing the fruit to Adam, her conscience was clear... watching him reach out to take it from her hand made her excited... waiting to see the enjoyment on his face when he would taste it’s delicious flavor made her giddy with anticipation. Then it happened... I don’t think Adam even had the opportunity to know the flavor of that fruit before he knew the depth of despair. Their eyes were now open... their hearts were now heavy with guilt... and they hid themselves, trying to hide from the shame that overwhelmed them. Still no thunderbolt... no loud condemnation... but there was a Voice calling... "Adam. Where art thou?".


Another point to ponder is that God made Adam both responsible and accountable for his watch-care over his wife, Eve. Doesn’t hardly seem fair, does it? That she could do wrong but her husband was to give answer for it. Eve didn’t escape the consequences of her actions, but, going back to the story, it is significant that our omniscient God called first to Adam, and then for Adam to give an answer for what had happened in the Garden of Eden. Eve took the first bite, she was in the transgression, but Adam was answerable to God for what had happened.


From the very beginning, God’s plan has always been for mankind to be responsible and accountable for the protection and provision of womankind. Even to the extent of bearing her iniquity, as it is taught in Numbers chapter 30.
Numbers 30:14, 15, 16 "But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them. But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity. These are the statues, which the Lord commanded Moses, between a man and his wife, between the father and his daughter, being yet in her your in her father’s house."

This is not only true for the husband and wife relationship, but it is also true for the father and daughter relationship, as well. Which gives an explanation as to why a father "gives away" his daughter, the bride, during the marriage ceremony. The father is symbolically transferring his father’s responsibility to the new husband.

Help Meet. ~ God gave Adam an help meet in his wife, Eve. Contrary to many cultures, this does not mean woman was given to be a work mate, a slave, or a servant to man. Of all that God had created, the only thing God said was not good of His creation, was that Adam was alone. Adam alone meant Adam had needs that only a perfectly matched mate could complement.

Genesis 2:18 "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."

It took Adam a little while before he figured out what this being alone was all about... he gave names to all the animals before it dawned on him. 
Genesis 2:20 "And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

As a point to ponder... Adam’s occupational instructions; to dress and keep the garden of Eden, and to name every living creature, were given to Adam before God had created his wife, Eve. So, it goes without saying (but needs to be said anyway), had woman been created to be a work mate, slave, or servant for man, her creation would have taken place sooner. (Genesis 2:15, 19, 20)

Adam/Man alone meant he had needs; He had no one of like-kind to interact with. He had no matching mate to bear offspring with. He had no matching mate to share his life with. Eve/Woman was perfectly created to be a compatible match for the needs God had designed in Adam/Man.


She was his gift from God that he was to watch over and care for.

(Additional Bible References for Eve: Genesis 2 and 3; 4:1, 2; II Corinthians 11:3; I Timothy 2:13, 14)

#4 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ "Train up a child in the way..."

I found this "collection of thoughts" circulating around the social media called facebook. These are not verses of scripture from the Bible but they are lines of reflection from the heart of an unknown mother/author.

I’ve chosen to post this as Part 4 of my "Empty Nest" series to address a heart-cry of some Christian parents, but first, enjoy this heart-felt collection of thoughts and see if you agree.

　

"Reflection of a Mother"

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.

I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.

I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.

I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.

I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside.

I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.

I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.

I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.

I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.

I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.

I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.

I can tell you the facts of life, but I can’t build your reputation.

I can tell you about drink, but I can’t say "no" for you.

I can warn you about drugs, but I can’t prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can’t achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness, but I can’t force you to be gracious.

I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.

I can love you as a child, but I cannot place you in God’s family.

I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.

I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.

I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.

I can love you with unconditional love all of my life…and I will!

(Author Unknown)

 

~ * ~ * ~

As a devout Fundamental Independent Baptist missionary woman, wife, mother, and nana there is a point I would like to reflect on that I think it is also the heart-cry of many Christian parents... How to resolve the scripture admonition to... "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) with the reality that not all children raised in godly homes have followed, or will follow suit.

Christian parents have said:
"We took our children to church every time the doors were open, and many times we were the first to arrive and the last to leave. We made the commitment and took on the financial struggle of sending our children to a private Christian school (and/or home schooled) in an effort to keep them from the influence of secular education and indoctrination. We guarded the music we/they listened to, and the television programs we/they watched. We encouraged them (and set an example before them) in Christian service to work on a bus route, help with a Sunday School class, participation in teen/church visitation, and to join Christian oriented clubs and programs (such as Patch the Pirate, King’s Kids, Awana, etc.). We did our best to scrutinize their circle of friends and encouraged their friendships with those we believed to have a godly influence on our children. We even encouraged adult friendships with our/their pastor and his wife, youth pastor and family, and other adult Christians. They went off to Bible colleges. We prayed for them. We loved them. So, after all these efforts, why did our children "depart from it"?"

If you were the parents of the biblical Samson, I’m guessing you would also want an answer to that question.
Samson’s parents were childless until an angel told them a son would be born to them and he would be a Nazarite from his birth; commissioned by God for a particular purpose. Samson was empowered with a physical strength that made others tremble in his presence, yet he did not live a life dedicated to God and neglected all his training to indulge in his own lusts. (Judges chapters 13 thru 16)

Added to the wonderment of Samson’s parents, we can also submit this list of other godly fathers, in the Bible, that might also have been asking that same question, "Why did my child depart from that which they were taught?"

1.) Esau, son of Isaac, sold his birthright. - Genesis 25:27-34 2.) Nadab and Adihu sons of Aaron, offered strange fire on the altar of incense. - Leviticus 10:1-4 3.) Abimelech, son of Gideon, murdered his 70 brothers. - Judges chapter 9 and Judges 6:32 4.) Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, were immoral and dishonest priests. - I Samuel 2:12-25 5.) Joel and Abijah, sons of Samuel, took bribes and perverted justice. - I Samuel 8:1-3 6.) Amnon, son of David, raped his half sister. - II Samuel 13:1-19 7.) Absalom, son of David, led a rebellion against his father. - II Samuel chapters 15-18 8.) Adonijah, son of David, attempted to steal Solomon’s throne. - I Kings chapter 1 9.) Rehoboam, son of Solomon, caused a tragic civil war. - I Kings chapter 12

10.) Joram, son of Jehoshaphat, murdered his six brothers. - II Kings 8:16-24

11.) Ahaz, son of Jotham, sacrificed his own children to idols. - II Kings 16:1-20

12.) Manasseh, son of Hezekiah, was Judah’s worst king. - II Kings 21:1-18

13.) Jehoahaz, son of Josiah, did evil in the sight of God. - II Kings 23:31-33

14.) Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, burned the scroll from Jeremiah. - Jeremiah 36:20-26

15.) Zedekiah, son of Josiah, persecuted Jeremiah. - II Kings 24:17-25:30; Jeremiah 37:1-21
(Source: "Book of Bible Lists" by H.L. Willmington; Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.; Wheaton, Illinois; 1987)

In addition, Abraham was a godly, fatherly example to Lot, but Lot "vexed his righteous soul" through his own personal decisions, not because of any lack on Abraham’s part. (Genesis 12:4; 13:1, 5-18; 2 Peter 2:7, 8)

There are also these verses (among others) which express the anguish of the Lord with the Children of Israel:

Isaiah 1:2 "Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth: for the Lord hath spoken, I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me."
Jeremiah 2:7 "And I brought you into a plentiful country, to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof; but when ye entered, ye defiled my land, and made mine heritage an abomination."

So... Why did these sons fall short of the instructions of their godly fathers? Why did these children of godly parents stray so far away from the path that was set before them? Why did the Nation of Israel rebel against God after all the Lord had done for them? Wasn’t the promise "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." a sufficient plan for rearing their children... for rearing our children?

~ * ~ * ~

 

Here are some reflections from this mother’s heart:

1.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was a promise. ~ It’s not. It is a proverb which means it’s a wise saying. Words of wisdom are to be heeded, but wisdom is not a promise. Wisdom is a diligent endeavor to know the truth and to apply the understanding of that truth to every aspect of our lives.

2.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was for parents. ~ And it is, but it’s not exclusively for parents. A child is "trained" by many people; school teachers, Bible teachers, pastors, even their peers are contributing to their training.

3.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was a designated path. A path I was to set my children on and, by carefully designing that path, there would be little they could do but follow its course. ~ Actually, it’s not a path, but more a realization of who our children uniquely are.

4.) I misinterpreted what Proverbs 22:6 was encouraging us, as parents, to accomplish with each individual child. ~ This is what one commentator had to say about this verse:
"Train; Initiate, and so, educate. The way he should go Or, according to the tenor of his way, i.e., the path especially belonging to, especially fitted for, the individual’s character. The proverb enjoins the closest possible study of each child’s temperament and the adaptation of ‘his way of life’ to that." (Albert Barnes; Commentary of the Bible; electronic edition)

~ * ~ * ~

 

As parents, we are to study the heart of each child to the depth of feeling it’s every beat. Where did we ever get the idea that our children came to us as "blank-slate" material and we could "write" on them the path we had chosen for them? 

The reality is that our children have a unique temperament already developed before their birth. Just as physical features are inherited (daddy’s eyes, mom’s nose, grandpa’s chin, etc.) so too is our emotional core a result of genetic inheritance (grandma’s temper, uncle’s timidness, etc.). A brief visit with parents of identical twins, or Mr. and Mrs. Duggar (parents of 19+ children) will verify that each child is born with his own unique temperament inherited from the genetic pool of their family line.

Temperament is the emotional core of who we are and is the determining factor of who we will become. Why? Because everything we learn and everything we are exposed to in life is first filtered through our individual temperament before we come to our own personal conclusions about life.
Understanding temperament is the key to discovering the reasons why we are the way we are. As parents, it is wise for us to discover that unique temperament trait of each child, and then work with that core temperament to prayerfully develop the character of our children. It’s not enough to know that little Johnny is the quiet soul, who requires little discipline while Jim-Bob is stubborn and only constant discipline keeps him inline. "Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right." (Proverbs 20:11) is the biblical admonition to get to know your child for the individual he/she already is.

Temperament is not a word you will find in the Bible but the examples of different temperament traits are very much revealed in scripture. Take for example Mary and Martha, who were sisters, their interaction with Christ revealed their different temperaments.
In John 11:17-45 notice that both sisters make the exact same statement to Christ, "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." (John 11:21 and 32) but notice their different interactions with the Lord. Martha is almost confrontational with the Lord while Mary humbly falls at His feet. Martha responds with head-knowledge and "recites" what she has heard while Mary’s response is weeping and silence, she doesn’t speak another word.

Then there is the temperament example of Jacob and Esau, twin brothers born to Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25:21-23).
These twins were as different spiritually as they were physically and God reveled to Rebekah that "two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people" was the prophecy the Lord God had given to Rebekah concerning her unborn sons. The difference in the brothers was not brought on by the favoritism of the parents, they were already different, and they were already known by God (Psalm 139:13-17).

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Recognizing that this verse is speaking about temperament opens the realization that we’ve got more to do in exploring the emotional depths of our children.
They have emotional strengths and weaknesses that need to be balanced. They have spiritual struggles that need guidance. It’s not enough to put them on the right path, or expose them to the right people, their journey requires Dad and Mom not only to discipline their minds, but to disciple their hearts.

#3 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ When Missionary Parents Leave Their Children Behind

 

~*~ Experiencing the Deep ~*~

I think I was 6 years old when we went on a family vacation with two other families. Our parents had rented cabins for what seemed like a two or three night stay at a vacation spot with a wooded area and places for swimming, fishing, and boating. I had a "new" hand-me-down bathing suit, a one-piece that had the cute little ruffled-skirt, and I felt like a ballerina when I put it on. It would be my first time in water deeper than my bathtub and I was excited. I was going swimming... real swimming, not just bathtub swimming.

This one lady friend with us didn’t have children. I don’t know if their children had grown and gone or if they never had children, but, either way, this lady took a liking to me and wanted to teach me how to swim. She gave me a few basic instructions, and then she took me a little further into the lake.

The lake had a designated swimming area that had been boxed-in on three sides with a dock, and we were in the middle. Kids were playing all around us, and they were loud. The lady held me close and started gently bouncing me in the water until she knew I wasn’t afraid. With my excitement and lack of fear, her bounces got bigger and deeper, and I was enjoying this wonderful first-time fun in the water. Funny how playing in the water always works-up an appetite, and we were soon ready for lunch. We left the water with promises of more water-play later in the day.

After lunch, I walked the backside of the swimming dock and watched the other kids playing in the deep water. They were jumping off right next to me. I watched as they sank under the water, popped back up, and grabbed hold of their inner-tube or the side of the dock. Then they would climb back up the dock and jump off again. I remember thinking, "I can do that"... and I did.

I jumped in, sank under the water, popped back up... and sank again. I didn’t have an inner-tube, and I wasn’t close enough to the dock to grab hold. I remember thinking I would wave my arms and call for help when I popped back up... but the only thing I had time for was another quick breath, and I went under again. This time I opened my eyes under the water, and I could see kids all around me playing and kicking. Some were close enough and bumped me in the water, but noone was close enough for me to grab and hold on to... I was sinking. I tried "climbing" the water wishing it was thick enough to hold on to and support me so I could get another breath, but I kept sinking.

While everyone else around me was having so much fun, I felt alone in my world of danger. I tipped my head back wishing I could stretch my neck to get more air; but I was too deep, and I felt the end of my life was going to happen. Then I was grabbed... pulled to the surface of the water gasping for air, arms held me up while I coughed, wheezed, and rubbed my eyes... it was my lady friend, and her voice was gently telling me I was alright now.

A little later, I went with my friends to play in the woods... but I felt sick and sat down on a log... my body began to shake uncontrollably, but I wasn’t cold. I looked at my friends and they told me my face was white and that I should go back to see my mom. I told them I had almost drown.

Years have passed, but jumping off into the deep is a horror to my soul that I will never forget. I’m not afraid of water, but I am cautious about it’s depth and aware of my limitations. I remember the feeling of being alone while surrounded by people... I remember being in extreme danger without the person nearest to me even aware of my struggles... I remember feeling all my efforts exhausted me and only sank me deeper.

Jumping off into ‘the deep’ is not just about water... there are moments in life that are just like ‘the deep’.

The day came when, for the first time, we were going to leave two of our five children behind while we returned to our mission field in Kenya, East Africa. I remembered watching from the bleachers of the gym as our son and daughter were making their way around to the different tables signing up for their college classes. The gym was crowed and loud, and the place was filled with anticipation of what the year would mean to so many.

But only the Lord knew the horror I felt in my soul and what I anticipated the years ahead would mean for my children. There my children were, surrounded by people, but noone knew them... struggles for them were going to happen, and yet I wondered if those nearest to them would know. It exhausted me to think I would be an ocean away, knowing even an emergency departure to reach them would take 3 days of planning just for one of us to make the trip. I took some deep breaths and managed a smile for them. I was there to support them, not to spoil their excitement.

We knew these days would eventually come... the days when our children would leave to make their own way in this world. After all, it’s natural for our children to leave ‘the nest’. But in all my thoughts for the future my children would have, I always imagined we would be near enough for them to bring college friends home for the holidays, and I anticipated keeping their room and beds ready for when they came home for the summer breaks, too. But instead of our children leaving ‘the nest’ we, as missionaries to a foreign field, packed-up ‘the nest’ and left them. I felt like they were in ‘the deep,’ and I was walking away... leaving them to either sink or swim on their own.

This is part of the missionary’s life... to experience ‘the deep’. Because we live in foreign lands, we’re halfway around the world from our loved ones. When it comes to the natural occurrences of life, such as our kids leaving home... their first loves... courtships and weddings... funerals and family gatherings... missionaries miss-out on a lot. Our kids never brought friends home for the holidays, there is no home in the states... we missed our daughter’s wedding... we missed my brother’s last days and funeral... I wasn’t there to help Mom when Dad was dying. To be absent from my loved ones, in these times of great need, felt like ‘the deep’ to me. I felt like I had left them to sink or swim on their own.

This absence from my family has always been my greatest struggle with this part of our missionary life, but I take great consolation in knowing we are where we are supposed to be, on the mission field.

#2 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ Perception

Have you ever revisited a place you only knew as a child? Isn’t it amazing to realize how small everything looks, now that you’re grown? The huge kitchen cabinets that had to be climbed in order to reach the cookie jar on the top shelf now seem so small. Obviously the kitchen cabinets didn’t change, but our perception of them sure did. In like manner, have you ever wondered why one particular event can be witnessed by different people and later, when they’re asked to recall the event, it’s as if they’re telling different stories? 

It all has to do with perception. Perception is why investigators taking the statements of eye-witness accounts, concerning an accident or crime, must keep their focus on the common details of their stories in order to uncover the facts of the incident.

"Perception is the process of acquiring, interpreting, selecting, and organizing sensory information. As we move throughout our lives, we create an internal model of how the world works.

This model maps sensations, such as sight of an accident, to certain preconceptions contained within our unique model. Our model is also constantly evolving, as new information is acquired.

Because our backgrounds and physiology are all different, we experience the interpretation of sensory information in different ways.

Thus... different stories about the same event." (Copied; Unknown)


Years ago, through my relationship with my siblings, I learned something that has been helpful to me as a parent with adult children. The lesson I learned had to do with individual perceptions. It is a fact that memories are attached to strong emotions, such as love, hate and fear, and then those memories are filtered through our individual temperaments. What happens then is that our own unique perception of an event is created and a memory is established. But could that memory be wrong? Could it be biased in some way?
Our mom had her hands full with four kids under 5 years of age. Our ages put me as the middle child with a big brother 2 years older and a baby sister 2 years younger and our little brother was only 11 months older then the baby. With this age spread, we shared a lot of the same family events and we made memories together. Later in life, when our younger brother started reminiscing about those family times, I realized he carried away a lot of emotional pain. Having heard my brother repeatedly talk about his emotional pain from those shared events, I finally said to him, "I was there... we were all there... none of us can say we liked what happened, but the rest of us aren’t letting it eat us up like you are. Mom and Dad are not responsible for your perception of what happened in the past, you are. You need to let it go. You need to get over it... it’s burning a hole in your heart."

I know my words were harsh, especially to the ears of a soul that was already hurting, but nothing I said could compare to the anguish my brother had already put himself through. An anguish he constructed through his own perception of what he emotionally felt. We were all there... each of us walking away with our individual, emotional perception of what took place, but it was our younger brother who allowed his perception to lead him into a self-inflicted emotional trauma. An emotional trauma experienced by one... made through the thoughts and mind of one.

As his sister, I had taken the liberty of being harsh with my brother on purpose. No doubt he didn’t like what he heard, but he needed to hear it, and after hearing it, he needed to process it. It was a few years after this that my brother finally desired to trust the Lord as his Saviour. I lead him to the Lord and his story is posted on my blog entitled "After 33 Years".

However, as a parent, harsh statements like that to our own children could be devastating to them. Funny how it works, but even when you children are adults a sibling still has more liberty to address delicate issues than a parent. Let a parent say something harsh to their adult child and they still can be plummeted into an emotional depth of despair, the intimidation and rejection of your words will further alienate your child from you. That’s not parental tough-love, that’s just callousness.

Our perceptions are our responsibility. And it is our responsibility to figure it out, not our parents, they’re not to blame for what we choose to carry as our emotional baggage (nor is anyone else, for that matter). Occasionally, parents need to be willing to "walk down memory lane" through the eyes of their children... and that could be a painful walk, but parents need to be willing to hear the heartache of what was experienced through the memories and perceptions of their child. Looking through old family pictures together is one way to revisit the past with each person having an opportunity to recall the event depicted through their own perceptions. Memories tend to be one-sided so parents need to softly interject the other side of the story, correcting any misinformation that there might be. Did you know that memories are a lot like overhearing one-side of a phone conversation? Until you’re able to put together what you heard with what you didn’t hear, of the phone conversation, all your information could be nothing but misinformation.

If you were to interview our 5 adult children, they would most likely reminisce about shared family events, but I also have no doubt you would get 5 different perceptions of what it was like growing up in the Coley household, as it is also true for my siblings and I. Perceptions are relative to our emotional health.

I read a book by Dave Pelzer entitled A Child Called It, his own story of abuse.
"This book chronicles the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played torturous, unpredictable games--games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it."" (Amazon review)

In his book, Mr. Pelzer wrote: "I believe it is important for people to know that no matter what lies in their past, they can overcome the dark side and press on to a brighter world. It is perhaps a paradox that without the abuse of my past, I might not be what I am today. Because of the darkness in my childhood, I have a deep appreciation for life. I was fortunate enough to turn tragedy into triumph." (page 166; A Child Called "It", by Dave Pelzer, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida, 1995)

Painful events do happen, but the power of those memories is always our choice. We choose to let the memories either make us, or break us.

~ * ~ * ~

 

 
This article reminds me of the Old Testament prophet, Elijah. The Bible says of Elijah that he was "subject to like passions as we are..." - James 5:17. Elijah was subject to his own perceptions of events, and even he struggled with his emotions.


Elijah struggled with:
1. Doubts and questions God. - I Kings 17:20

2. Fears for his life at the hands of Jezebel. - I Kings 19:3

3. In despair and wants to die. - I Kings 19:4

4. Depression sets in and he hides in a cave. - I Kings 19:9 & 13

5. Full of self-pity he feels alone; isolated. - I Kings 19:10 & 14

6. Elisha ministered unto Elijah and encourages him. - I Kings 19:21

7. Still fearful and is told "be not afraid" by an angel. - II Kings 1:15


And yet, with power from on high, Elijah was able to:
1. Stopped the dew and rain for 3 ½ yrs. - I Kings 17:1

2. Restore the life of the widow’s son. - I Kings 17:22

3. Defeated the false prophets on Mount Carmel. - I Kings 18:21-40

4. At his word caused it to rain again. - I Kings 18:41

5. Called down fire from heaven. - II Kings 1:10-12

6. Parted the waters of river Jordan to cross on dry land. - II Kings 2:8

7. Did not die, was taken up into heaven by a whirlwind. - II Kings 2:11

Lessons From The Empty Nest ~ The Biggest Struggle

The biggest struggle in parenting adult children has little to do with the kids but a great deal to do with the parents. In our family, my husband and I are the blessed parents of 5 adult children, ages 24 to 33, who were all naturally born to us during our 34+ years of marriage. In addition to our one son and four daughters, we also have one son-in-law and two grandsons. (In this day-and-age, with the family under so much attack, it seemed necessary for me to clarify what I meant when I said "our family".)

My biggest struggle with our all-adult family has been to remember that my position has changed... I'm not parenting any more, I'm counseling. That means, as difficult as it sometimes is, I should act like a counselor and wait to be asked for my help or advise. Then, when I am asked, I need to answer with respect, keeping it short, sweet and to the point. If the particular topic has a painfully difficult response, I must present it in an unassertive way, being careful not to take the "I told you so" attitude either. I have to back-off and let them pick themselves up... dig themselves out... intervention is not always the right thing.

These are things I have to work at because the momma in me wants to protect and defend my children through all their difficulties, even the self-inflicted ones. This I have learned... I cannot protect my children from their choices... I am not responsible for their adult decisions.

I have to admit, it is an ego thing to want my children to do well so that I’m viewed as having been a great parent. What parent doesn’t enjoy the praise of others telling them, "you did a good job in raising your kids, you are to be commended". But when it comes to parenting, there are two sides and an individual’s free-will (freedom to choose) is a huge factor in the outcome of this parenting equation... sometimes, the result is... what is taught is not always caught.

As Christian parents, we have the God-given command and responsibility to tell, and to show by example, the right path our children are to follow, but God only holds us accountable to teach our children right, and after that, God holds them accountable for their choices. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7; 4:9, Proverbs 3:1-3; 4:1-13, 20-23; 34:13, 14; Hebrews 2:1)

God gave to each of us a free-will; freedom to choose. With our adult children, their choices are their own, and God does not make us responsible for what they choose. It is not our failure when our adult children choose a path contrary to what they were taught, it is their choice. By example, God did not fail in parenting the Children of Israel because of their wicked choices. Sad is the story of how God showed Himself wonderful and mighty by sending the ten plagues of Egypt to convince the Pharaoh to "let my people go" only to have His people worship a golden calf. (Exodus chapters 5 through 12 and 32) God did not fail as a Parent because of the free-will choices of His children, nor did He intervene when their choices were wrong. God allowed the consequences of their choices to render their judgment thereby teaching them accountability and responsibility.

When intervention takes place, it means that the free-will of an individual has been subverted by someone else. This may be an appropriate response of parents with young children, but with an adult, it means their freedom has been taken away. And, when freedom has been taken away, we are the prisoners of another person’s will instead of our own. God has omniscient power to intervene, but God’s intervention would then mean God was removing from us our freedom to choose, and without free-will we cannot love because love is the ultimate freedom of choice.

One day, our adult children will return to us by one of three ways:
1.) They will return with thanks: "Mom and Dad, you raised me right, and I listened, and I’m thankful that I did."
2.) The will return with no thanks: "Mom and Dad, you raised me right, but I decided I didn’t want to walk that path...".
3.) They return reproach: "Mom and Dad, you knew the right way and you never told me...".