my breaking heart made this silent request,
"Please... My Dear Lord God... please,
...bury me with my child!
It will be more merciful to be buried with her,
than trying to go through this life without her."
But a soft reply echoed back,
"I will be with you."
I began to think of the happiness my daughter would never know... falling in love, and all the whimsical delights that come with a true first love... her wedding day, and the excitement of watching her bounce down the aisle. I remember how Kimberly, with her arms flared at her sides, had bounced down the aisle of her ‘05 highschool graduation. When she later saw herself on video, she laughed and wondered if she would bounce at her wedding...but now, we will never know. We would then, eventually, have looked forward to her pregnancies and her babies... all Kimberly ever really wanted, from this earthly life, was to be a wife and a mother.
My heart ached for the happiness she would never know.
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| Me and Kim ~ '05 |
"Why not," was His gentle reply.
"Why can she not be with Me?
Though I know you love her, I have always loved her more.
She is safe with Me.
Nothing more will hurt her.
All her anxieties are passed.
She will never know another disappointment.
All her struggles have ended.
Her fears are all gone.
She is My child, and she is forever safe with Me." Oh, how His heart must ache as He sees us struggling through this earthly life.
My disappointment with the Lord ended as I conceded to the realization that this earthly life has limited moments of happiness sandwiched between endless disappointments, struggles and heartaches.
I cry every day, not because of what she missed but because my sorrow is in the missing of her. The rest of my earthly life is still a very long time to wait until I will hold her again.
I will always hurt... but I am not bitter. There will always be a sadness... but I am not angry. My tears will always come easily... but don’t expect me to restrain them... tears are often the consequence of loving memories. My sorrow is deep and I am forever changed...this is the reality of grief.
Descriptive Bible verses express my sorrow, and I know I have a Saviour who is touched by my grief. My comfort is through the Lord Jesus Christ, and my counsel is from the Word of God.
I am in awe... that He would know... with an awareness so profoundly expressed through these verses, just how deeply I grieve.
"I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because of grief..." ~ Psalm 6:6, 7a
"I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God." ~ Psalm 69:3
"...my groaning is not hid from thee. My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me." ~ Psalm 38:9b, 10
"...I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart." ~ Romans 9:2
"How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?" ~ Psalm 13:2a
"My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread." ~ Psalm 102:4
"By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin." ~ Psalm 102:5
"Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission," ~ Lamentations 3:49
"...lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep." ~ 1 Samuel 30:4b
"...my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength." "...there remained no strength in me, neither is there breath left in me." ~ Daniel 11:16b & 17b
"...my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength." "...there remained no strength in me, neither is there breath left in me." ~ Daniel 11:16b & 17b
There is a great misconception about God in relation to how He cares for his children. Many think that being a child of God means He is to keep us from the troubles and distresses of this earthly life. But, this is not so...God is not in the ‘keeping us from’ ...He is in the ‘carrying us through’ of life’s heartaches.
"God will not put more on us than we are able to bear." is not a biblical teaching. It is a mis-teaching, taken out of context, from I Corinthians 10:13.
Yes, God does put more on us than we are able to bear...but... He does not put on us more than He is able to bear, as my friend, Pastor Jeff Russell, reminded me. God said to the Apostle Paul, "...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." ~ II Corinthians 12:9
My Lord knows... my Lord understands... He cares, and He is touched by our sorrows.
He is the burden lifter... "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." ~ I Peter 5:7
He is a present help... "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." ~ Psalm 46:1
He is "...a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief... ...he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." ~ Isaiah 53:3 & 4
Christ understands the depth of all sorrows...and it has always been His burden to carry us through... "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, ...thou art with me..." ~ Psalms 23:4
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." ~ Isaiah 41:10
"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." ~ Isaiah 43:2
If I had not already known Him as Saviour, and the assurance of Heaven, then I would not now know the grace of His comfort and the mercy of His peace. It is through this tragedy, of our daughter’s death, that my loving Lord has been so dearly close.
I do not ask the Lord to mend my broken heart because I am asking that He preserve my memories and to grant me access to things I had forgotten... my tears are the evidence of this answered prayer.
My relationship with God is of my choosing...
Daily I must choose... to draw nearer to God. "Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you." ~ James 4:8
Daily I must choose... to not allow my grief to rob me of joy. "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5
Daily I must choose... to remember He is my refuge; my place of security. "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us." ~ Psalm 62:8
If I do not daily choose these... then, by my neglect, the darkness will come and the sorrow will overwhelm me until my heart is devoured by grief and there is nothing left but the hollowness of bitterness and disdain where once there was a heart.
God is not in the business of making super Christians, but He is in the business of taking surrendered Christians and doing something amazing through their surrendered lives.
"My dear Lord God...I surrender to You my broken heart...I do not ask that You mend it... I only ask that You use it."
"Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~ II Corinthians 1:4
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| Kimberly loving on her first nephew, Kayin. '09 |
Written by Kimberly’s Mom ~ August 2015
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