Miscarriage ~ The Grief of Emptiness

My sweetheart and I were married on August 14, 1978, and we desired to have children as soon as the Lord would give them to us.

By November 8th, I was calling my gynecologist for information on a pregnancy test.  That was back in the day before you could purchase a self-test kit from your local drug store.  Never having had a pregnancy test before, the instructions given to me were to provide them with a sample of my morning urine.  The next day I carried my brown paper bag with a urine filled container into the doctor’s office for testing.  Then I waited for the results.  Strangely enough, I had heard a loud roar of laughter just after my sample was received by the nearby lab personnel.  I quickly reasoned that the full quart-size mason jar was a little more than what was needed for a pregnancy test!  I would have laughed with them, but I really wasn’t feeling well.  My husband had been on military sick-call for a few days and had already been admitted to the base hospital for further testing.  I was beginning to wonder if I was coming down with whatever he had.  A little later, and with a little more laughter, the official results were given to me: I was indeed pregnant.  Then I asked, “Should I be concerned that I am spotting?”

It was the next day, and my husband was being discharged from the base hospital.  But, my friend had taken me to the local ER, and I was now being admitted to a different hospital. I was in the process of having a miscarriage.  It was November 10, 1978, the decade of Roe vs. Wade, and Americans were being desensitized in order for them to accept the agenda for a woman’s right to choose. The questions I asked were responded to with medical terminology that was emotionally cold, indifferent, and that dehumanized the life that had been within me.  “You had a spontaneous abortion. The fetus was between 6 - 8 weeks gestation.”  But my heart cried, “My baby died!” as a grief of emptiness began to consumed me.

This grief of emptiness...
...where there is no grave to stand beside, no tombstone to read, no pictures to reminisce over, and no memories to share: this is the grief of emptiness.  A grief of things that never happened but were hoped for, of things that might have been but never will be.  This grief was consuming me to a point of breaking.  Many times the only ones who understand the depth of this grief are those who have shared the same loss of an unborn child, a still birth, or the deep sorrow of a barren womb.  I didn’t need the encouragement of “You can try again.”   I was too devastated by the loss of this child.  I felt alone in my grief, after all, there hadn’t been time for any joyous announcement before my heart was forever broken for this child.  Even my husband was still trying to get his head around the thought of being a father when I was suddenly engulfed with a grief that he could not fathom.  Bewildered by the events that had so quickly come upon our lives, he was at a loss as to how he could comfort me.  He just wanted me to be alright.

The years passed, and the Lord gave us five healthy children to raise.  Then came the unbelievable  heartbreak of a grief I have never known: my 28 year old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly died.

I fell back onto the chair as I cried out in defiance... the room felt like a vacuum as my body struggled to breathe.  I tried to reason that there was no truth in the words I had just heard.  But this echo of despair was relentless, and I was forced to face a truth I couldn’t deny: my daughter was dead, and the rest of my earthly life would be lived without her.  Memories of my daughter spun in my mind and fear began to grip my heart.  Would I forget her laugh, her voice, her smile, her touch: I desperately tried to capture and seal my memories of her before they escaped me forever.


There are still days when my heart is in my throat and I struggle to swallow.  I look at the calendar, and it betrays my heart.  How can it be years when it still feels like yesterday?

This is an abyss of grief beyond all measure that still breaks me.

There is comfort in knowing the Lord.  His grace is sufficient.  But this does not mean our sorrow ends.  It means we are never alone in our sorrow.
To grieve is not to disbelieve; grief is the measure of love. 
It is His grace that points us to another day.  My mother’s heart knows that every child I carried will be etched on my heart forever.  When I get to heaven, I will know the baby I never knew, this child will be standing beside their sister, Kimberly.

In Kimberly's Bible...

...there was taped this small packet of sand...


...and the verse it was illustrating is found in Psalms 139:15-18.

...And Then Came Grief... my daughter died!

I collapse to the floor and mourn.  Grief has come to forever intrude on my life.  The hours, days, months, and years pass and yet I do not perceive them, I am stuck in that dreadful moment when I lost you.

Grief, the visitor who never leaves, inserts itself into every aspect of my life.  It shadows me like an impending storm...I feel it.  I hear it.  I see it and it overtakes me.  It dulls every happy moment.  I am ravished by it’s unending depth of sorrow...again...and again, until all I want is to die and end this aching of my heart.

There is a confounding complexity to Grief and Time:

Grief... you are both joy and sorrow to me for without love there would be no grief and I am eternally thankful to know this love.

Time... I want to remember every memory as if it were made today and I fear what you will steal  from me, and yet, time is the only thing that draws me closer to when I will see my daughter again.

Grief, I stand in the path of your devastation, sometimes unable to move, many times not knowing how to pickup the pieces, valiantly you have tried to conquer me and you almost succeed.

Grief, I make a resolve, your lessons are cruel but I choose to walk with you.  I do not fear you.  You will not make my heart cold.  I will not be isolated in my grief.  And, as with an impending storm, I choose to be prepared for the despair you will forever shower on me.

I will smile through you.

I will joy through you.

And, by God’s grace, I will live through you.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... 

...thou art with me...”. ~ Psalm 23:4

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; 

of whom shall I be afraid?” ~ Psalm 27:1

 Kimberly Renee Coley

September 7, 1986

December 17, 2014

What You Don't Know About the Flu Can Kill You

Kimberly

Flu shots are helpful, but not always the sure cure for avoiding the flu. Yes, I do urge you to get a flu shot...but, even more than that, I urge you to search the internet for information about the flu. Because...even in this day and age, people will die of the flu...as did our beautiful Kimberly.

Flu Awareness

I am not a medical professional of any sort. But, I am a broken-hearted mother whose beautiful 28 year old daughter died of the flu. And, for that reason, I want to raise awareness of the potential deadly danger the flu virus is capable of causing. Yes, in this day and age...people will die of the flu!

Kimberly had absolutely no health problems. She was not diabetic. She was not over weight, nor was she under weight. She did not have any autoimmune diseases. Her heart was healthy, her lungs were healthy, kidneys and bladder were all healthy, no cancer, no thyroid problems, no medical issues of any sort...so stated by the Coroner who examined her body after her death. Kimberly didn’t even have trouble with ear infections, as a child. But, my beautiful 28 years 3 months 10 days old daughter died on December 17, 2014 and the official Coroner’s report listed the cause as Influenza B Victoria, a particular strain of the flu virus.

What you don’t know about the flu can kill you. (Much of the information contained in this post was gathered from the CDC, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, website. You are welcome to do your own research.)

Did you know that there are 3 types of flu? Influenza, A, B and C, and, within those three types there are sub-groups of the flu virus. For example, the distinction of the influenza type A is that this flu virus is transmitted between animals and humans. The transmission of this type A flu virus has resulted in the swine flu and the bird flu, to name the most popular ones. Influenza B is only transmitted between humans. Influenza C is a milder form of the flu virus.

This would explain why there were 7 types of flu vaccines on the market during the 2013-2014 season. And yet, when you get a flu shot, you seldom know what type of flu virus it is protecting you from...unless you ask. Did you know that you are also able to receive a flu shot that will cover 3 and 4 different types of the flu viruses?

Flu viruses are constantly changing. Each flu season, different flu viruses can spread, and they can affect people differently based on differences in the immune system. Even healthy children and adults can get very sick from the flu.

Flu seasons are unpredictable. The severity of influenza seasons can differ substantially from year to year. Over a period of 30 years, between 1976 and 2006, estimates of yearly flu associated deaths in the United States range from a low of about 3,000 to a high of about 49,000 people during the most severe season.

Most seasonal flu activity typically occurs between October and May. Flu activity most commonly peaks in the United States between December and February.

There are several flu vaccine options for the 2015-2016 flu season.

Traditional flu vaccines made to protect against three different flu viruses (called "trivalent" vaccines) are available. In addition, flu vaccines made to protect against four different flu viruses (called "quadrivalent" vaccines) also are available.
Trivalent flu vaccine protects against two influenza A viruses (an H1N1 and an H3N2) and an influenza B virus. The following trivalent flu vaccines are available:
Standard-dose trivalent shots that are manufactured using virus grown in eggs. There are several different flu shots of this type available, and they are approved for people of different ages. Some are approved for use in people as young as 6 months of age. Most flu shots are given with a needle. One standard dose trivalent shot also can be given with a jet injector, for persons aged 18 through 64 years.
A high-dose trivalent shot, approved for people 65 and older.
A trivalent shot containing virus grown in cell culture, which is approved for people 18 and older.
A recombinant trivalent shot that is egg-free, approved for people 18 years and older.

The quadrivalent flu vaccine protects against two influenza A viruses and two influenza B viruses. The following quadrivalent flu vaccines are available:


A quadrivalent flu shot that is manufactured using virus grown in eggs. There are several different flu shots of this type available, and they are approved for people of different ages. Some are approved for use in people as young as 6 months of age.
An intradermal quadrivalent shot, which is injected into the skin instead of the muscle and uses a much smaller needle than the regular flu shot. It is approved for people 18 through 64 years of age.
A quadrivalent nasal spray vaccine, approved for people 2 through 49 years of age.

What should I do if I get sick with the flu?
Antiviral drugs are prescription drugs that can be used to treat flu illness. People at high risk of serious flu complications (such as children younger than 2 years, adults 65 and older, pregnant women, and people with certain medical conditions) and people who are very sick with flu (such as those hospitalized because of flu) should get antiviral drugs. Some other people can be treated with antivirals at their health care professional’s discretion. Treating high risk people or people who are very sick with flu with antiviral drugs is very important. Studies show that prompt treatment with antiviral drugs can prevent serious flu complications. Prompt treatment can mean the difference between having a milder illness versus very serious illness that could result in a hospital stay.

Treatment with antivirals works best when begun within 48 hours of getting sick, but can still be beneficial when given later in the course of illness.

Antiviral drugs are effective across all age-and risk groups. Studies show that antiviral drugs are under-prescribed for people who are at high risk of complications who get flu. This season (2015-2016), three FDA-approved influenza antiviral drugs are recommended for use in the United States: oseltamivir, zanamivir and peramivir

Will this season's vaccine be a good match for circulating viruses?
It's not possible to predict with certainty if the vaccine will be a good match for circulating viruses. The vaccine is made to protect against the flu viruses that research indicates will likely be most common during the season. However, experts must pick which viruses to include in the vaccine many months in advance in order for vaccine to be produced and delivered on time. And flu viruses change constantly (called drift) – they can change from one season to the next or they can even change within the course of one flu season. Because of these factors, there is always the possibility of a less than optimal match between circulating viruses and the viruses in the vaccine. For this reason it is still possible to get the flu even after you have had a flu shot, because this also depends on how well the flu vaccine is matched to flu viruses that are causing illness.

Over the course of the flu season, CDC studies samples of circulating flu viruses to evaluate how close a match there is between viruses used to make the vaccine and circulating viruses.

Can I get vaccinated and still get the flu?
Yes. It’s possible to get sick with the flu even if you have been vaccinated (although you won’t know for sure unless you get a flu test). This is possible for the following reasons:
•You may be exposed to a flu virus shortly before getting vaccinated or during the period that it takes the body to gain protection after getting vaccinated. This exposure may result in you becoming ill with flu before the vaccine begins to protect you. (About 2 weeks after vaccination, antibodies that provide protection develop in the body.)
•You may be exposed to a flu virus that is not included in the seasonal flu vaccine. There are many different flu viruses that circulate every year. The flu vaccine is made to protect against the three or four flu viruses that research suggests will be most common.
•Unfortunately, some people can become infected with a flu virus the flu vaccine is designed to protect against, despite getting vaccinated. Protection provided by flu vaccination can vary widely, based in part on health and age factors of the person getting vaccinated. In general, the flu vaccine works best among healthy younger adults and older children. Some older people and people with certain chronic illnesses may develop less immunity after vaccination.

Flu vaccination is not a perfect tool, but it is the best way to protect against flu infection.

If the flu vaccine is not matched to the flu viruses that are causing illness, you could still become deathly ill with the flu. It is so important to know this!

Is there treatment for the flu?
Yes. If you get sick, there are drugs that can treat flu illness. They are called antiviral drugs and they can make your illness milder and make you feel better faster. They also can prevent serious flu-related complications, like pneumonia. For more information about antiviral drugs, visit Treatment (Antiviral Drugs).
　
If you get the flu, antiviral drugs can be used to treat your illness. Antiviral drugs are different from antibiotics. They are prescription medicines (pills, liquid or an inhaled powder) and are not available over-the-counter. Antiviral drugs can make illness milder and shorten the time you are sick. They may also prevent serious flu complications.

Studies show that flu antiviral drugs work best for treatment when they are started within 2 days of getting sick, but starting them later can still be helpful, especially if the sick person is very sick from the flu.

Symptoms of influenza can include fever, cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people may also have vomiting and diarrhea. People may be infected with the flu and have no symptoms at all or only respiratory symptoms without a fever.

*It’s important to note that not everyone with flu will have a fever.


Our Kimberly went to a local clinic on December 13, 2014 and presented with flu like symptoms. She was told that it looked like she was on the down-side of the flu and a prescription for Ibuprofen was given to her, which she had filled.  Four days later, we received the horrific news that our Kimberly Renee had died. If we can save a life with this post...Lord, may we!

Posted by Jane Coley ~ Heartbroken Mom ~ 15 September 2015

Embracing Grief

Embracing Grief

Kimberly Renee Coley
7 Sept.  1986 ~ 17 Dec. 2014

Just because my grief is deep, does not mean my faith is shallow. There is a strength in this grief. Only grief knows grief...and only grief is unafraid to embrace the depth of this sorrow.

It was January 2015 and my husband and I were in Oklahoma, as it was a Sunday evening, we dropped by a small church. The weather was bitterly cold and patches of snow were a reminder that winter was not yet finished with us. As we walked into the building, we were warmly greeted with handshakes and a smile, a good Baptist greeting, and then a question... "You’re the Coleys, aren’t you?" Another said, "I was in classes with your son at Heartland (Baptist Bible College)" while others began to tell us that they knew two of our daughters who had also graduated from HBBC. And then the expressions of condolences and sympathy began... "we are so sorry for your loss"... "I cannot imagine the loss of a child." 

This kind church family had heard about our Kimberly’s passing and had quickly responded with a card and a love-offering to help with our many unexpected financial needs. The kind of needs a missionary family, with five adult children living miles apart from each other, would incur during an unimaginable trauma such as ours. We were introduced to the pastor and then the pastor introduced me to his wife. I had no memory of ever meeting this young woman before. She was wearing a pink dress and her long dark hair framed her beautiful face. I smiled and she accepted my extended hand in the familiar Baptist greeting, but, unexpectedly, this kind woman drew me close to her and wrapped her arms around me. Her warm embrace was consoling to my heart in a way that words could not. As she continued to embrace me, I began wondering how she knew our Kimberly. And then I realized, it wasn’t our Kimberly she knew...this pastor’s wife, and mother of eight knew my grief, and it was with her grief that she embraced me and cried with me. 

Mrs. Michelle Bishop had lost her firstborn 19 year old son, Beau Bishop, almost a year ago in a one-car accident on February 10, 2014. 

Only grief knows grief...and only grief is unafraid to embrace the depth of this sorrow. Only grief is able to console grief with it’s silent embrace.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort: Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~ II Corinthians 1:3, 4

 

Written by Jane Coley ~ May 2015

 

 

Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die

Kimberly Renee Coley
Sept. 7, 1986 ~ Dec. 17, 2014

 

"I was too young to die, that’s what people say.

They can’t understand, why God took me away.

I guess that is something, they have yet to see.

But I have peace in knowing, it was His plan for me.

I was His creation. He gave me every breath.

And He knew all along, the timing of my death.

I know it took you by surprise. It caught us all off guard.

But I hope you will trust in God, though this will be hard.

Let Him bring you comfort. Rest in His embrace.

Call to Him when you’re hurting. Accept His endless grace.

Let Him bring you healing and all your needs supply.

Trust in His loving kindness, when your heart is asking "why?"

For as much as I loved you. He loves you even more.

His will is always best. His motives always pure.

I know right now you’re hurting, everything feels wrong.

But I am safe in Heaven, I’m right where I belong.

And though I hated to leave you, I know you’ll be o.k.

God will be with you, each moment of each day.

Someday we will meet again. God’s promises are true.

He has never let me down and He will not fail you."

 

(Both) Written by Nicole Madaus

The loss so sudden, the pain so deep,
A part of me is incomplete.
You were here, but now you’re gone,
And I still have to carry on.
How could this happen? How could it be?...
Why did God take you from me?
It hurts so much I can’t explain,
The depths of my grief and pain.
It’s not supposed to be this way,
To lose a child is not o.k.
I’m angry and hurt. I’m full of grief.
I can’t imagine finding relief.
I feel so lost and so alone.
Forced to suffer on my own.
I don’t know what to say or do?
How can I live without you?

I know it was sudden, the pain is deep,
And right now you’re feeling incomplete.
I was there and now I’m gone,
But God can help you carry on.
There aren’t easy answers for why God took me,
But trust in faith what your eyes cannot see.
I know it hurts and you can’t explain,
The depths of your grief and pain.
You lost a child and it’s not o.k.,
But God can get you through each day.
Give Him your anger, your hurt, your grief.
In Him you’ll find peaceful relief.
It won’t be easy, but you’re not alone.
You don’t have to suffer on your own.
Run to Him and stay close by His side,
In His comfort and love you can safely abide.
And though for now we must be apart,
I’ll remain in the memories you keep in your heart.

The Most Unnatural Thing...

The Most Unnatural Thing...

"Twonane Milele" is a Swahili phrase meaning "Let us meet in eternity"

It is the most unnatural thing...for a parent to stand before a gravestone and read the name of their child etched in the stone at their feet. The two dates representing the moments in time when your life changed forever. The date of beginnings, the date of endings... the date of joy, and the date of deep sorrow and grief.

Some days I don’t want to get out of bed.
Many times I won’t even look at a calendar. Looking at the calendar only betrays my emotions because each day still feels like it was yesterday when we first received the news that our Kimberly had passed away.

I cry every day... since the news of our daughter’s death. But I have found that the most therapeutic thing I do for myself, is to pray for someone else, and to be concerned with their heartaches. I do have to admit, I sometimes get annoyed with the seemingly petty things people request prayer for, but when I sense myself getting annoyed, I recognize I’m opening the door to allow bitterness to take root, and my Kimberly was too sweet, and too special for me to allow any bitterness to be attached to her memory.

August 24, 2014 our last Sunday Lunch together.

 I am thankful for the grace of God that comforts my broken heart. If it were not for His wonderful grace, I would be consumed by my grief. 

Daily I must choose... to not allow my grief to rob me of my joy.

Daily I must choose... to remember all that was tender, sweet, loving, precious, and unique about my daughter.

Daily I must choose... to not allow my beautiful memories to be marred by this temporal parting called death.

I grieve for my daughter... But I have an eternal certainty beyond this earth that comforts my heart and my soul.
 

"And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."

~ John 16:22

"Who by him do believe in God, that raised him up from the dead, and gave him glory; that your faith and hope might be in God."

~ I Peter 1:21

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

~ Psalm 116:15

"We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."

~ II Corinthians 5:8

"For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

~ II Corinthians 5:1

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:"

~ John 11:25

"And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life."

~ I John 2:25

 

Aug. 27, 2014. At the AR airport headed back to Kenya.
The last time I held her.

 

Written by Jane Coley ~ August 2015

Growing In Grief

Growing In Grief

The day our daughter passed away...
my breaking heart made this silent request,
"Please... My Dear Lord God... please,
...bury me with my child!
It will be more merciful to be buried with her,
than trying to go through this life without her."
But a soft reply echoed back,
"I will be with you."

I began to think of the happiness my daughter would never know... falling in love, and all the whimsical delights that come with a true first love... her wedding day, and the excitement of watching her bounce down the aisle. I remember how Kimberly, with her arms flared at her sides, had bounced down the aisle of her ‘05 highschool graduation. When she later saw herself on video, she laughed and wondered if she would bounce at her wedding...but now, we will never know. We would then, eventually, have looked forward to her pregnancies and her babies... all Kimberly ever really wanted, from this earthly life, was to be a wife and a mother.

My heart ached for the happiness she would never know.

Me and Kim ~ '05

Then, before I could even ask the question...
"Why not," was His gentle reply.

"Why can she not be with Me?
Though I know you love her, I have always loved her more.
She is safe with Me.
Nothing more will hurt her.
All her anxieties are passed.
She will never know another disappointment.
All her struggles have ended.
Her fears are all gone.
She is My child, and she is forever safe with Me." Oh, how His heart must ache as He sees us struggling through this earthly life. 

My disappointment with the Lord ended as I conceded to the realization that this earthly life has limited moments of happiness sandwiched between endless disappointments, struggles and heartaches.

I cry every day, not because of what she missed but because my sorrow is in the missing of her. The rest of my earthly life is still a very long time to wait until I will hold her again.

I will always hurt... but I am not bitter. There will always be a sadness... but I am not angry. My tears will always come easily... but don’t expect me to restrain them... tears are often the consequence of loving memories. My sorrow is deep and I am forever changed...this is the reality of grief.

Descriptive Bible verses express my sorrow, and I know I have a Saviour who is touched by my grief. My comfort is through the Lord Jesus Christ, and my counsel is from the Word of God.

I am in awe... that He would know... with an awareness so profoundly expressed through these verses, just how deeply I grieve.

"I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because of grief..." ~ Psalm 6:6, 7a

"I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God." ~ Psalm 69:3

"...my groaning is not hid from thee. My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me." ~ Psalm 38:9b, 10

"...I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart." ~ Romans 9:2

"How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?" ~ Psalm 13:2a

"My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread." ~ Psalm 102:4

"By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin." ~ Psalm 102:5

"Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission," ~ Lamentations 3:49

"...lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep." ~ 1 Samuel 30:4b

"...my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength."  "...there remained no strength in me, neither is there breath left in me."  ~  Daniel 11:16b & 17b

There is a great misconception about God in relation to how He cares for his children. Many think that being a child of God means He is to keep us from the troubles and distresses of this earthly life. But, this is not so...God is not in the ‘keeping us from’ ...He is in the ‘carrying us through’ of life’s heartaches.

"God will not put more on us than we are able to bear." is not a biblical teaching. It is a mis-teaching, taken out of context, from I Corinthians 10:13.

Yes, God does put more on us than we are able to bear...but... He does not put on us more than He is able to bear, as my friend, Pastor Jeff Russell, reminded me. God said to the Apostle Paul, "...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." ~ II Corinthians 12:9

My Lord knows... my Lord understands... He cares, and He is touched by our sorrows.

He is the burden lifter... "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." ~ I Peter 5:7

He is a present help... "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." ~ Psalm 46:1

He is "...a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief... ...he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." ~ Isaiah 53:3 & 4

Christ understands the depth of all sorrows...and it has always been His burden to carry us through... "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, ...thou art with me..." ~ Psalms 23:4

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." ~ Isaiah 41:10

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." ~ Isaiah 43:2

If I had not already known Him as Saviour, and the assurance of Heaven, then I would not now know the grace of His comfort and the mercy of His peace. It is through this tragedy, of our daughter’s death, that my loving Lord has been so dearly close.

I do not ask the Lord to mend my broken heart because I am asking that He preserve my memories and to grant me access to things I had forgotten... my tears are the evidence of this answered prayer.

My relationship with God is of my choosing...

Daily I must choose... to draw nearer to God. "Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you." ~ James 4:8

Daily I must choose... to not allow my grief to rob me of joy. "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5

Daily I must choose... to remember He is my refuge; my place of security. "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us." ~ Psalm 62:8

If I do not daily choose these... then, by my neglect, the darkness will come and the sorrow will overwhelm me until my heart is devoured by grief and there is nothing left but the hollowness of bitterness and disdain where once there was a heart.

God is not in the business of making super Christians, but He is in the business of taking surrendered Christians and doing something amazing through their surrendered lives.

"My dear Lord God...I surrender to You my broken heart...I do not ask that You mend it... I only ask that You use it."

"Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." ~ II Corinthians 1:4

Kimberly loving on her first nephew, Kayin. '09

Written by Kimberly’s Mom ~ August 2015

The Proving Ground

"He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed trusting in the Lord."

Psalm 112:7

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise."

Psalm 57:7

"Evil tidings"... When bad news, or difficult situations come your way, what is your reaction? Recently, I found myself reacting to bad news, and a difficult situation, opposite from the admonition of these verses. Instead of trusting in the Lord, I questioned Him. Instead of my fixed-heart singing and praising, I cried and complained. As I wondered why I had pouted my way through another struggle, my thoughts went to a playground full of children... .

In our early ministry life, my husband was an assistant pastor, and we both taught in our Christian school. At this particular time, our school had about 350 students, and this was the year that my daughter was in my Second grade class, along with 26 other students. Though everyone knew she was my daughter, we liked being teacher and student while we were at school, and so my daughter would call me "Teacher" instead of "Mom" while I was on duty.

Our Christian school had a great playground that was designed and built by our pastor, so there was nothing like it anywhere else. We had a huge climbing tower, restricted for the big kids in the Third through Sixth grades (8 to 12 year olds) , and a smaller Jungle Jim for the younger children in Kindergarten through Second grades (4 to 7 years olds). There was also an in-between piece of playground equipment that we teachers soon realized was being used as some sort of "proving ground" by the Second grade students. This piece of equipment was the Monkey Bars. Students would climb the three ladder rungs up and then stretch to reach the first bar, which was about seven feet from the ground. After they had firmly gripped the first bar, they would then start to swing their bodies back and forth until they had enough momentum to swing their arm forward and grab onto the next bar. They would continue, grabbing bar after bar until they had reached the other end, which was about twelve feet away. The students who had accomplished this feat, 7 feet up and 12 feet long, were no longer considered to be little kids of the playground, and no one would call them "baby" any more. They had proved their strength and determination to their peers, and their accomplishment was celebrated by all who watched.

One day, while most of the students were playing in the field, I noticed my daughter climbing the first three rungs of the Monkey Bars. This was not her first attempt; she had often climbed up only to become fearful and climb back down. But this time, as another teacher and I looked on, she stretched herself forward and caught the first bar... and then the next... and the next, until she was a third of the way through this "proving ground feat". Then she stopped, and began crying out to me. I could hear the fear in her voice as she cried, "Mommy, help me now!".

I came near to her, but I didn’t touch her. I knew she had just overcome her greatest fear by making it this far onto the bars. I had helped many others students through this "proving ground" test, and I knew she had the strength to finish: I just had to convince her. I told her I wouldn’t let her get hurt and that I was close enough to catch her if she slipped. I even told her to let go and I would catch her, but she wanted me to wrap my arms around her and lift her to safety. She continued kicking and crying, begging me to help her. I told her the strength she was using to pitch-a-fit on the bar was enough to get her across and she needed to use that strength to reach for the next bar.

She finally made it to the other side of the Monkey Bars. The other teacher and I were telling her how well she had done, that she was so brave to keep on going and that we were happy for her accomplishment! But my daughter wasn’t happy. All she said to me was, "Mommy, you were supposed to help me." I could hear the disappointment in her voice, and she walked away frustrated with me. She wasn’t relieved that she had made it safely to the other side. All she focused on was how I hadn’t helped her like she expected me to, and how I hadn’t kept her from being so afraid.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but even as an adult, I sometimes behave just like my daughter. When things on this proving ground of life get tough to deal with, I want my Heavenly Father to wrap His arms around me and lift me to safety. I don’t want to have to continue in the struggle... I don’t want to be afraid. I want help now! Just as my daughter’s playground expectations were disappointed by me, I had to admit that my proving ground experience was similar, and I found myself frustrated with the Lord.

Then I realized, once again, that I had pitched-a-fit when I should have been trusting the Lord. I had wanted help out of the struggle instead of help through the struggle. I wish there was an easier way to learn the lesson expressed in this Psalm, but the lesson of how to fix our heart on the Lord, through difficult situations, can only come while experiencing the difficult situation.

It was another day, and my daughter, surrounded by her peers, climbed the Monkey Bars again. While the children watched, she reached for the first bar. With confidence, she reached for the next bar... and then the next, until she had reached the other side, seven feet up and twelve feet long. Her peers celebrated her accomplishment... and she smiled.

Too often it is forgotten that spiritual strength is built through the struggle. Too often it is forgotten that "the proving ground" of faith is never a comfortable place. But often enough, when the struggle is over, we smile with contentment and a refreshed spirit knowing the Lord was with us all the way through.

"Yea, though I walk through... thou art with me...". Psalms 23:4

 

A Different Kind of Thanksgiving List
~ by Jane Coley
 

I’m thankful to know affliction... for without it, my spirit would not strive for more.

~ "It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes."
Psalm 119:71

 

I’m thankful to know sorrow... for without it, my heart would not know the depth of joy.

~ "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy."
Psalm 126:5

 

I’m thankful to know the disappointments of friendships... for without it, I would miss the value of a true friend.

~ "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend."
Proverbs 27:17

 

I’m thankful to know financial struggles... for without it, I would waste so much.

~ "Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain."
Proverbs 30:8, 9

    

I’m thankful to know physical pain... for without it, my attention would not be drawn to the suffering of others.

~ "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
II Corinthians 1:4

 

I’m thankful to know conviction... for without it, I would not know redemption.

~ "In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace" 
 Ephesians 1:7

 

I’m thankful to know these things...

I’m thankful these things "visit" me...

I’m thankful they don’t stay long.

 

 

Points to Ponder ~ Sarah

Sarah... was first known as Sarai before God changed her name. This name change for Sarah and Abraham (Abram) commemorated the covenant God had made with them, and initiated the beginning of the Jewish Nation; the Nation of Israel. Sarah and Abraham were the first Jews. (Genesis 17:1-11, 15, 16)

Another point to ponder... Not only were Sarah and Abraham husband and wife, but they were also half brother and sister, having the same father. In today’s society this is a repulsive idea but ancient times recorded this as a normal occurrence. My husband and I were married in 1978 in a state that required both a blood test and a 3-day waiting period. When I asked the reason for the blood test, the answer we were given was... to provided evidence that we were not blood relatives. So it seems that even the recent history of our state still indicated a need for that sort of clarification, before a couple would be granted a marriage licence.

Sarah and Abraham’s relationship stands out as a remarkable testimony. There are no other Bible characters more in love, and trusting of each other, than Sarah and Abraham. Though there were reasons for them to play the "blame game", Sarah and Abraham never did. Their commitment to each other was the foundation of their successful spiritual growth. Their spiritual journey presented challenges for them as much as their wilderness wanderings did.

Hebrews 11:8-11 "By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went. By faith he sojourned in the land of promise, as in a strange country, dwelling in tabernacles with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise: For he looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God. Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."

A point to ponder... When they journeyed into strange lands, some take issue with Abraham and consider him a coward for having Sarah say she was his sister. However, it was typical for beautiful women to be "collected" and kept as potential wives by their captors. Esther, for example, was "collected" and went through a purification process that lasted 12 months. (Esther 2:2-9, 12)

Genesis 12:10-13 "And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land. And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter Egypt, that he said unto Sarai is wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon: Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee."
Genesis 20:12, 13 "And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife. And it came to pass, when God caused me to wander from my father’s house, that I said unto her, This is thy kindness which thou shalt shew unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me, He is my brother."
For her beauty, kings would kill a husband... but they would give gifts to her brother. When Abraham and Sarah agreed together to say, "she is my sister" this half-truth was a strategic plan of wisdom more then it was a cowardly evasion.

This plan allowed the process of time for these "captors of beautiful women" to understand the might of Abraham’s God. Abraham sojourned by God’s command, and it was therefore God’s protection that went before them. The Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues, and again, twenty years later, Abimelech was also witness to the mighty strength of Abraham’s God. (Genesis 12:17; 20:1-7) Never, at any time, did God reprimand Abraham for this.


Genesis 12:3 "And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed."

Sarah’s Barrenness, A Spiritual Challenge. ~ Even in today’s society, couples struggling with infertility problems face many private heartaches and heartbreaks that many of us, unless infertile ourselves, cannot even fathom. Then, there are the painful remarks made by well-meaning onlookers who neglect to consider that their greatest kindness would be to remain silent on this private topic. Many couples struggling with infertility choose to "weather this storm of life" and face their barrenness together. But, in Sarah’s time, getting a baby was as easy as telling your husband to take another wife, which Sarah did... and which lead to their greatest spiritual challenge.

It was Sarah who made the suggestion for Abraham to take Hagar, her handmaid, and it was Abraham who agreed. Forgoing God and making this impetuous wrong decision together meant they would also face the consequences together.

Their Remarkable Relationship. ~ This couple was supportive of each other and they didn’t waste their time with accusations against one another, even when they made wrong decisions. They chose to "weather the storms of life" and they were "together" in every aspect of the word. You don’t see a domineering overbearing husband, and you don’t see a subdued cowering wife. You see a husband and wife balanced in their relationship with equal submission to one another, very like-minded in their thoughts and actions, not condemning, not blaming... "together".

I Peter 3: 5-7 "For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."

When they had disagreements, they talked with each other. And, when it seemed they could not come to terms, they took it to the Lord.

Genesis 16:5 "And Sarai said unto Abram,... ...the Lord judge between me and thee."
Genesis 21:9-14 (vs. 12) "And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called."

The Balance. ~ Sarah and Abraham exemplified the balance of male leadership with female submission. This was never to be a grievous thing. God’s plan for leadership is that it is to be male. Leadership is responsible for those they lead, and leadership is always accountable to God for the outcome... good, bad, or ugly, male leadership answers for it all. He is not "the boss" as much as he is "the responsible party" and all accountability rests on his shoulders. This is what Sarah was acknowledging when she says, "My wrong be upon thee..." in Genesis 16:5.

Numbers 30:14-16 "But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them. But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity. These are the statues, which the Lord commanded Moses, between a man and his wife, between the father and his daughter, being yet in her youth in her father’s house."


The imbalance of this teaching has made it a grievous topic for women because they see themselves as having to submit to the wants and wishes of male domination without consideration; it’s his way or it’s not submission, is the lesson women get. The balance of God’s plan is not grievous.

The balance of female submission is male leadership. The truth of Ephesians 5:21-33 is that if more husbands were the right kind of leader, as the example of Christ with the church, wives would be more inclined to submit. Husbands having trouble with their wives might want to examine how they are leading, instead of focusing on how she’s not submitting.

Ephesians 5:25-27 "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."

When God’s plan of submission and leadership, for a husband and wife, becomes grievous... it is because there are secrets between the couple. Secrets cause mistrust, and mistrust is the key element that erodes the balance in God’s plan. Submission is easy, when you can trust the one you are submitting to.

When leadership becomes manipulative, it is no longer leadership, it has become a dictatorship. Leadership, to be successful, must lead with loving trust. This is the relationship Sarah and Abraham exemplified. They always lovingly trusted each other and weathered the storms of life together.

(Additional Bible References for Sarah: Genesis 11:27 through to 13:4; chapters 15:1 through to 17:22; chapter 18:1-15; chapters 20:1 through to 21:1-13; chapters 23; 24:36-38, 64-67; 25:7-12; and 49:31; Isaiah 51:2; Romans 4:18-22; and 9:6-9; Hebrews 11:8-19; I Peter 3:1-6)

Points to Ponder ~ Eve

I’m starting this new series, Points to Ponder, to share with you some of the things I have pondered while I’ve studied women in the Bible. Perhaps my ponderings will be interesting to you... or perhaps it will stir some ponderings of your own. Either way, I thank you for visiting my blog, and I welcome your comments.

 

 

Eve... some blame her for sin entering the world, after all, she took the first bite of the forbidden fruit. But, did you know, God did not place this condemnation on her shoulders? The blame for sin entering the world is placed, by God, on the shoulders of Adam.
Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man (Adam) sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:" Romans 5:19 "For as by one man’s (Adam’s) disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one (Christ) shall many be made righteous.
I Corinthians 15:21, 22 "For since by man (Adam) came death, by man (Christ) came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."

Eve was not without her part in all this, though. She was "beguiled" (II Corinthians 11:3), "deceived," and that put her "in the transgression" (I Timothy 2:14)... an "accessary to the fact" might be the legal term used today, if her case were to be tried in a court of law. And, for argument’s sake, and in defense of herself, Eve could give evidence that she was not even present when God gave the commandment to Adam to not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil... and she wasn’t. God’s commandment to Adam was given in Genesis 2:17, but Eve’s creation did not take place until Genesis 2:22.


From bite... to bite. ~ I’ve imagined the happenings in that brief moment of time between Eve’s first bite of the forbidden fruit, to Adam’s first bite. In that brief moment - from bite to bite - no doubt Eve as enjoying the taste of the fruit. Perhaps she thought about how nothing was happening... no thunderbolt from the sky... no loud voice from heaven condemning her actions... nothing but the pure enjoyment of delicious fruit. But deception creeps in slowly... and it was taking it’s hold on her heart. Convinced that this fruit was a good thing, pleasant in every way, and with the added benefit "to make one wise." Eve was fully enthralled in this adventure of a lifetime... and she felt good. Passing the fruit to Adam, her conscience was clear... watching him reach out to take it from her hand made her excited... waiting to see the enjoyment on his face when he would taste it’s delicious flavor made her giddy with anticipation. Then it happened... I don’t think Adam even had the opportunity to know the flavor of that fruit before he knew the depth of despair. Their eyes were now open... their hearts were now heavy with guilt... and they hid themselves, trying to hide from the shame that overwhelmed them. Still no thunderbolt... no loud condemnation... but there was a Voice calling... "Adam. Where art thou?".


Another point to ponder is that God made Adam both responsible and accountable for his watch-care over his wife, Eve. Doesn’t hardly seem fair, does it? That she could do wrong but her husband was to give answer for it. Eve didn’t escape the consequences of her actions, but, going back to the story, it is significant that our omniscient God called first to Adam, and then for Adam to give an answer for what had happened in the Garden of Eden. Eve took the first bite, she was in the transgression, but Adam was answerable to God for what had happened.


From the very beginning, God’s plan has always been for mankind to be responsible and accountable for the protection and provision of womankind. Even to the extent of bearing her iniquity, as it is taught in Numbers chapter 30.
Numbers 30:14, 15, 16 "But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them. But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity. These are the statues, which the Lord commanded Moses, between a man and his wife, between the father and his daughter, being yet in her your in her father’s house."

This is not only true for the husband and wife relationship, but it is also true for the father and daughter relationship, as well. Which gives an explanation as to why a father "gives away" his daughter, the bride, during the marriage ceremony. The father is symbolically transferring his father’s responsibility to the new husband.

Help Meet. ~ God gave Adam an help meet in his wife, Eve. Contrary to many cultures, this does not mean woman was given to be a work mate, a slave, or a servant to man. Of all that God had created, the only thing God said was not good of His creation, was that Adam was alone. Adam alone meant Adam had needs that only a perfectly matched mate could complement.

Genesis 2:18 "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."

It took Adam a little while before he figured out what this being alone was all about... he gave names to all the animals before it dawned on him. 
Genesis 2:20 "And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

As a point to ponder... Adam’s occupational instructions; to dress and keep the garden of Eden, and to name every living creature, were given to Adam before God had created his wife, Eve. So, it goes without saying (but needs to be said anyway), had woman been created to be a work mate, slave, or servant for man, her creation would have taken place sooner. (Genesis 2:15, 19, 20)

Adam/Man alone meant he had needs; He had no one of like-kind to interact with. He had no matching mate to bear offspring with. He had no matching mate to share his life with. Eve/Woman was perfectly created to be a compatible match for the needs God had designed in Adam/Man.


She was his gift from God that he was to watch over and care for.

(Additional Bible References for Eve: Genesis 2 and 3; 4:1, 2; II Corinthians 11:3; I Timothy 2:13, 14)

Breaking the Cycle of Salvation Doubts

You are not alone when it comes to doubts about your salvation. Many Christians secretly struggle with doubts... too ashamed to seek help, and too confused to settle it on their own. I’ve known those who would be considered "solid Christians" that have doubted their salvation... a church staff member and his wife, a deacon, a pastor, a missionary’s / pastor’s wife, and "the little ones" those who were in church at a very young age and trusted the Lord as their Saviour when they were young children.

The church staff member, and his wife: The wife and I were friends and we often visited by phone. One particular day she called me and asked the question, ‘have you ever had doubts about your salvation?’ I told her I had, on two particular occasions, but I had settle them years ago and I no longer had any doubts or troubling thoughts on the matter. She then told me, that the evening before, she and her husband were having family devotions, and it was during this time that they both admitted to each other struggling with doubts about their salvation. So, they both decided to pray and ask the Lord to save them... again.

I was silent and didn’t quite know what to say, and then I asked, "So, does this mean the two of you will be getting baptized on Sunday?" Her initial response was silence, followed by, "What do you mean?" I went on to summerize what she had just told me, "You weren’t sure of your salvation... so... you both prayed for salvation, and now you are both sure you got saved... last night... right??? Then, getting baptized is the next step because you apparently weren’t really saved the first time. Right???" She said, "I need to talk to my husband about that." and hung up the phone. She called me back a few days later and said, "We talked about it and decided we really did get saved years ago, so we won’t need to be baptized on Sunday. We were just temporarily confused about some things.".

Take heed to this warning... if the doubts you are having are not settle as doubts, the problem will repeat, and the cycle will continue. If you have secretly admitted to yourself, "I have doubts about my salvation," then heed this warning, be very cautions about repeating a "sinner’s prayer" in order to appease your conscience. Repetition, in this case, will only lead to more confusion and later you will find yourself confused as to which prayer was the true moment of your salvation.

Hebrews 6:4-6 "For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall way, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame."
II Timothy 2:25, 26 "In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth: And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will."
Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."
The deacon: Soon after his profession of faith and baptism, he brought his family into church. They were always faithful to attend the services, quick to be of help, and he had an inquisitive mind about the Word of God. His actions were a good testimony, and he was later selected to serve as a deacon. But, at a revival meeting, he walked forward for salvation and was baptized... again. This scenario was repeated, on three or more occasions, in the next 10 years. Time revealed that doubt wasn’t his only sin problem, there was also one of immorality.

The pastor: There were times he came to the pulpit and you knew he was troubled about something... it was in his continence... in the way he delivered his message... and yet, you didn’t know what was troubling him. Then, after many years, hidden sin is revealed and a confession was made.

Whether the hidden sin was adultery, homosexuality, pornography, inappropriate behavior with a minor, or other sexual perversions, or whether it was theft or some other dishonesty, the end result is the same... Sins of this magnitude commonly produce salvation doubts.

Take heed to this warning... reasoning that saved people couldn’t possible commit such wicked and vile atrocities of life is false. Saved people sin, and they sin to many depths and degrees, as measured by mankind. But, with God, sin is sin and all sin must be confessed and forsaken.

Hidden sins... our "besetting" sins... and our unbridled lusts, will erode the security of our salvation, and doubts will arise to trouble us when we neglect not only to confess our sin, but also neglect to forsake the sin.

Confession is only the first step, if the sin is not forsaken... repented of... turned away from... restitution made... and/or injustices repaid, then the cycle of doubt continues. This is the "follow-through action" of a repentant heart; a clearing of the conscience, and if this is neglected, emotional harm is done and the cycle of doubt has not been completed. This will "shipwreck" your faith.

I Timothy 1:19 "Holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck:"
Acts 24:16 "And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men."
Romans 9:1 "I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost,"
I Timothy 3:9 "Holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience."
Numbers 32:23 "...behold, ye have sinned against the Lord: and be sure your sin will find you out."
Hebrews 3:13 "But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin."
I John 1:8, 9 (written to those who are saved) "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Hebrews 12:1c "...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us..."
I Peter 2:11 "Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul;"
I Peter 4:2 "That he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God."
James 1:14 "But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed."
Galatians 6:1 "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted."
The missionary’s / pastor’s wife: She knew the salvation plan and had even lead others to Christ. She also taught Sunday School and conducted Ladies’ Fellowships. She was an invited guest speaker, and other women often sought her council on a variety of topics. She was the perfect hostess with wonderful meals and thoughtfulness to details. Yet, she silently wrestled with doubts about her salvation, until she finally made another profession of faith.

Take heed to this warning... busy-ness is a poor remedy for doubts and spiritual insecurities. It is not possible to "busy" yourself out of your doubts. You cannot resolve doubt with duty. Increasing your work load of Christian service will wear out your body before your mind and heart are appeased and put at ease.

II Peter 3:17-18 "Ye therefore, beloved, seeing ye know these things before, beware lest ye also, being led away with the error of the wicked, fall from your own steadfastness. But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen."
Galatians 2:16 "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified."
Titus 3:5 "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;"

"The little ones": Were you a child when you prayed and ask God to save you? And now, years later, are you having doubts about your salvation? This is probably the largest group of doubting Christians. The faith of your childhood is often called into question when faced with the challenges of adulthood. This can be especially unsettling to young Bible college students, many will question their childhood conversion and struggle with doubts about their salvation.

Take heed to this warning... feeling saved is not evidence of salvation, it is only evidence of being emotional. The emotions of ‘relief from doubts’ and ‘joy of salvation’ are difficult to discern between because they both are a comfort to the distress of your soul. Salvation is based on facts, not feelings.

Matthew 18:1-6 "At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."
Mark 10:14 "But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God."
Mark 9:24 "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
I Timothy 6:19 "Laying up in store for themselves a good foundation against the time to come, that they may lay hold on eternal life."
II Timothy 2:19 "Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity."
Ephesians 3:16-19 "That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God."
Colossians 1:23 "If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven..."
Colossians 2:6-8 "As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving. Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
Building on the FACTS of your salvation is fundamental to Breaking the Cycle of Salvation Doubts.     
II Peter 1:5-9 "And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins."

It is my hope that this post will help you to sort out your doubts. God bless. ~ Jane Coley