#4 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ "Train up a child in the way..."

I found this "collection of thoughts" circulating around the social media called facebook. These are not verses of scripture from the Bible but they are lines of reflection from the heart of an unknown mother/author.

I’ve chosen to post this as Part 4 of my "Empty Nest" series to address a heart-cry of some Christian parents, but first, enjoy this heart-felt collection of thoughts and see if you agree.

　

"Reflection of a Mother"

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.

I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.

I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.

I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.

I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside.

I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.

I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.

I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.

I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.

I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.

I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.

I can tell you the facts of life, but I can’t build your reputation.

I can tell you about drink, but I can’t say "no" for you.

I can warn you about drugs, but I can’t prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can’t achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness, but I can’t force you to be gracious.

I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.

I can love you as a child, but I cannot place you in God’s family.

I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.

I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.

I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.

I can love you with unconditional love all of my life…and I will!

(Author Unknown)

 

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As a devout Fundamental Independent Baptist missionary woman, wife, mother, and nana there is a point I would like to reflect on that I think it is also the heart-cry of many Christian parents... How to resolve the scripture admonition to... "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) with the reality that not all children raised in godly homes have followed, or will follow suit.

Christian parents have said:
"We took our children to church every time the doors were open, and many times we were the first to arrive and the last to leave. We made the commitment and took on the financial struggle of sending our children to a private Christian school (and/or home schooled) in an effort to keep them from the influence of secular education and indoctrination. We guarded the music we/they listened to, and the television programs we/they watched. We encouraged them (and set an example before them) in Christian service to work on a bus route, help with a Sunday School class, participation in teen/church visitation, and to join Christian oriented clubs and programs (such as Patch the Pirate, King’s Kids, Awana, etc.). We did our best to scrutinize their circle of friends and encouraged their friendships with those we believed to have a godly influence on our children. We even encouraged adult friendships with our/their pastor and his wife, youth pastor and family, and other adult Christians. They went off to Bible colleges. We prayed for them. We loved them. So, after all these efforts, why did our children "depart from it"?"

If you were the parents of the biblical Samson, I’m guessing you would also want an answer to that question.
Samson’s parents were childless until an angel told them a son would be born to them and he would be a Nazarite from his birth; commissioned by God for a particular purpose. Samson was empowered with a physical strength that made others tremble in his presence, yet he did not live a life dedicated to God and neglected all his training to indulge in his own lusts. (Judges chapters 13 thru 16)

Added to the wonderment of Samson’s parents, we can also submit this list of other godly fathers, in the Bible, that might also have been asking that same question, "Why did my child depart from that which they were taught?"

1.) Esau, son of Isaac, sold his birthright. - Genesis 25:27-34 2.) Nadab and Adihu sons of Aaron, offered strange fire on the altar of incense. - Leviticus 10:1-4 3.) Abimelech, son of Gideon, murdered his 70 brothers. - Judges chapter 9 and Judges 6:32 4.) Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, were immoral and dishonest priests. - I Samuel 2:12-25 5.) Joel and Abijah, sons of Samuel, took bribes and perverted justice. - I Samuel 8:1-3 6.) Amnon, son of David, raped his half sister. - II Samuel 13:1-19 7.) Absalom, son of David, led a rebellion against his father. - II Samuel chapters 15-18 8.) Adonijah, son of David, attempted to steal Solomon’s throne. - I Kings chapter 1 9.) Rehoboam, son of Solomon, caused a tragic civil war. - I Kings chapter 12

10.) Joram, son of Jehoshaphat, murdered his six brothers. - II Kings 8:16-24

11.) Ahaz, son of Jotham, sacrificed his own children to idols. - II Kings 16:1-20

12.) Manasseh, son of Hezekiah, was Judah’s worst king. - II Kings 21:1-18

13.) Jehoahaz, son of Josiah, did evil in the sight of God. - II Kings 23:31-33

14.) Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, burned the scroll from Jeremiah. - Jeremiah 36:20-26

15.) Zedekiah, son of Josiah, persecuted Jeremiah. - II Kings 24:17-25:30; Jeremiah 37:1-21
(Source: "Book of Bible Lists" by H.L. Willmington; Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.; Wheaton, Illinois; 1987)

In addition, Abraham was a godly, fatherly example to Lot, but Lot "vexed his righteous soul" through his own personal decisions, not because of any lack on Abraham’s part. (Genesis 12:4; 13:1, 5-18; 2 Peter 2:7, 8)

There are also these verses (among others) which express the anguish of the Lord with the Children of Israel:

Isaiah 1:2 "Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth: for the Lord hath spoken, I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me."
Jeremiah 2:7 "And I brought you into a plentiful country, to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof; but when ye entered, ye defiled my land, and made mine heritage an abomination."

So... Why did these sons fall short of the instructions of their godly fathers? Why did these children of godly parents stray so far away from the path that was set before them? Why did the Nation of Israel rebel against God after all the Lord had done for them? Wasn’t the promise "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." a sufficient plan for rearing their children... for rearing our children?

~ * ~ * ~

 

Here are some reflections from this mother’s heart:

1.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was a promise. ~ It’s not. It is a proverb which means it’s a wise saying. Words of wisdom are to be heeded, but wisdom is not a promise. Wisdom is a diligent endeavor to know the truth and to apply the understanding of that truth to every aspect of our lives.

2.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was for parents. ~ And it is, but it’s not exclusively for parents. A child is "trained" by many people; school teachers, Bible teachers, pastors, even their peers are contributing to their training.

3.) I thought Proverbs 22:6 was a designated path. A path I was to set my children on and, by carefully designing that path, there would be little they could do but follow its course. ~ Actually, it’s not a path, but more a realization of who our children uniquely are.

4.) I misinterpreted what Proverbs 22:6 was encouraging us, as parents, to accomplish with each individual child. ~ This is what one commentator had to say about this verse:
"Train; Initiate, and so, educate. The way he should go Or, according to the tenor of his way, i.e., the path especially belonging to, especially fitted for, the individual’s character. The proverb enjoins the closest possible study of each child’s temperament and the adaptation of ‘his way of life’ to that." (Albert Barnes; Commentary of the Bible; electronic edition)

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As parents, we are to study the heart of each child to the depth of feeling it’s every beat. Where did we ever get the idea that our children came to us as "blank-slate" material and we could "write" on them the path we had chosen for them? 

The reality is that our children have a unique temperament already developed before their birth. Just as physical features are inherited (daddy’s eyes, mom’s nose, grandpa’s chin, etc.) so too is our emotional core a result of genetic inheritance (grandma’s temper, uncle’s timidness, etc.). A brief visit with parents of identical twins, or Mr. and Mrs. Duggar (parents of 19+ children) will verify that each child is born with his own unique temperament inherited from the genetic pool of their family line.

Temperament is the emotional core of who we are and is the determining factor of who we will become. Why? Because everything we learn and everything we are exposed to in life is first filtered through our individual temperament before we come to our own personal conclusions about life.
Understanding temperament is the key to discovering the reasons why we are the way we are. As parents, it is wise for us to discover that unique temperament trait of each child, and then work with that core temperament to prayerfully develop the character of our children. It’s not enough to know that little Johnny is the quiet soul, who requires little discipline while Jim-Bob is stubborn and only constant discipline keeps him inline. "Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right." (Proverbs 20:11) is the biblical admonition to get to know your child for the individual he/she already is.

Temperament is not a word you will find in the Bible but the examples of different temperament traits are very much revealed in scripture. Take for example Mary and Martha, who were sisters, their interaction with Christ revealed their different temperaments.
In John 11:17-45 notice that both sisters make the exact same statement to Christ, "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." (John 11:21 and 32) but notice their different interactions with the Lord. Martha is almost confrontational with the Lord while Mary humbly falls at His feet. Martha responds with head-knowledge and "recites" what she has heard while Mary’s response is weeping and silence, she doesn’t speak another word.

Then there is the temperament example of Jacob and Esau, twin brothers born to Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25:21-23).
These twins were as different spiritually as they were physically and God reveled to Rebekah that "two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people" was the prophecy the Lord God had given to Rebekah concerning her unborn sons. The difference in the brothers was not brought on by the favoritism of the parents, they were already different, and they were already known by God (Psalm 139:13-17).

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Recognizing that this verse is speaking about temperament opens the realization that we’ve got more to do in exploring the emotional depths of our children.
They have emotional strengths and weaknesses that need to be balanced. They have spiritual struggles that need guidance. It’s not enough to put them on the right path, or expose them to the right people, their journey requires Dad and Mom not only to discipline their minds, but to disciple their hearts.

#3 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ When Missionary Parents Leave Their Children Behind

 

~*~ Experiencing the Deep ~*~

I think I was 6 years old when we went on a family vacation with two other families. Our parents had rented cabins for what seemed like a two or three night stay at a vacation spot with a wooded area and places for swimming, fishing, and boating. I had a "new" hand-me-down bathing suit, a one-piece that had the cute little ruffled-skirt, and I felt like a ballerina when I put it on. It would be my first time in water deeper than my bathtub and I was excited. I was going swimming... real swimming, not just bathtub swimming.

This one lady friend with us didn’t have children. I don’t know if their children had grown and gone or if they never had children, but, either way, this lady took a liking to me and wanted to teach me how to swim. She gave me a few basic instructions, and then she took me a little further into the lake.

The lake had a designated swimming area that had been boxed-in on three sides with a dock, and we were in the middle. Kids were playing all around us, and they were loud. The lady held me close and started gently bouncing me in the water until she knew I wasn’t afraid. With my excitement and lack of fear, her bounces got bigger and deeper, and I was enjoying this wonderful first-time fun in the water. Funny how playing in the water always works-up an appetite, and we were soon ready for lunch. We left the water with promises of more water-play later in the day.

After lunch, I walked the backside of the swimming dock and watched the other kids playing in the deep water. They were jumping off right next to me. I watched as they sank under the water, popped back up, and grabbed hold of their inner-tube or the side of the dock. Then they would climb back up the dock and jump off again. I remember thinking, "I can do that"... and I did.

I jumped in, sank under the water, popped back up... and sank again. I didn’t have an inner-tube, and I wasn’t close enough to the dock to grab hold. I remember thinking I would wave my arms and call for help when I popped back up... but the only thing I had time for was another quick breath, and I went under again. This time I opened my eyes under the water, and I could see kids all around me playing and kicking. Some were close enough and bumped me in the water, but noone was close enough for me to grab and hold on to... I was sinking. I tried "climbing" the water wishing it was thick enough to hold on to and support me so I could get another breath, but I kept sinking.

While everyone else around me was having so much fun, I felt alone in my world of danger. I tipped my head back wishing I could stretch my neck to get more air; but I was too deep, and I felt the end of my life was going to happen. Then I was grabbed... pulled to the surface of the water gasping for air, arms held me up while I coughed, wheezed, and rubbed my eyes... it was my lady friend, and her voice was gently telling me I was alright now.

A little later, I went with my friends to play in the woods... but I felt sick and sat down on a log... my body began to shake uncontrollably, but I wasn’t cold. I looked at my friends and they told me my face was white and that I should go back to see my mom. I told them I had almost drown.

Years have passed, but jumping off into the deep is a horror to my soul that I will never forget. I’m not afraid of water, but I am cautious about it’s depth and aware of my limitations. I remember the feeling of being alone while surrounded by people... I remember being in extreme danger without the person nearest to me even aware of my struggles... I remember feeling all my efforts exhausted me and only sank me deeper.

Jumping off into ‘the deep’ is not just about water... there are moments in life that are just like ‘the deep’.

The day came when, for the first time, we were going to leave two of our five children behind while we returned to our mission field in Kenya, East Africa. I remembered watching from the bleachers of the gym as our son and daughter were making their way around to the different tables signing up for their college classes. The gym was crowed and loud, and the place was filled with anticipation of what the year would mean to so many.

But only the Lord knew the horror I felt in my soul and what I anticipated the years ahead would mean for my children. There my children were, surrounded by people, but noone knew them... struggles for them were going to happen, and yet I wondered if those nearest to them would know. It exhausted me to think I would be an ocean away, knowing even an emergency departure to reach them would take 3 days of planning just for one of us to make the trip. I took some deep breaths and managed a smile for them. I was there to support them, not to spoil their excitement.

We knew these days would eventually come... the days when our children would leave to make their own way in this world. After all, it’s natural for our children to leave ‘the nest’. But in all my thoughts for the future my children would have, I always imagined we would be near enough for them to bring college friends home for the holidays, and I anticipated keeping their room and beds ready for when they came home for the summer breaks, too. But instead of our children leaving ‘the nest’ we, as missionaries to a foreign field, packed-up ‘the nest’ and left them. I felt like they were in ‘the deep,’ and I was walking away... leaving them to either sink or swim on their own.

This is part of the missionary’s life... to experience ‘the deep’. Because we live in foreign lands, we’re halfway around the world from our loved ones. When it comes to the natural occurrences of life, such as our kids leaving home... their first loves... courtships and weddings... funerals and family gatherings... missionaries miss-out on a lot. Our kids never brought friends home for the holidays, there is no home in the states... we missed our daughter’s wedding... we missed my brother’s last days and funeral... I wasn’t there to help Mom when Dad was dying. To be absent from my loved ones, in these times of great need, felt like ‘the deep’ to me. I felt like I had left them to sink or swim on their own.

This absence from my family has always been my greatest struggle with this part of our missionary life, but I take great consolation in knowing we are where we are supposed to be, on the mission field.

#2 Lessons from the Empty Nest ~ Perception

Have you ever revisited a place you only knew as a child? Isn’t it amazing to realize how small everything looks, now that you’re grown? The huge kitchen cabinets that had to be climbed in order to reach the cookie jar on the top shelf now seem so small. Obviously the kitchen cabinets didn’t change, but our perception of them sure did. In like manner, have you ever wondered why one particular event can be witnessed by different people and later, when they’re asked to recall the event, it’s as if they’re telling different stories? 

It all has to do with perception. Perception is why investigators taking the statements of eye-witness accounts, concerning an accident or crime, must keep their focus on the common details of their stories in order to uncover the facts of the incident.

"Perception is the process of acquiring, interpreting, selecting, and organizing sensory information. As we move throughout our lives, we create an internal model of how the world works.

This model maps sensations, such as sight of an accident, to certain preconceptions contained within our unique model. Our model is also constantly evolving, as new information is acquired.

Because our backgrounds and physiology are all different, we experience the interpretation of sensory information in different ways.

Thus... different stories about the same event." (Copied; Unknown)


Years ago, through my relationship with my siblings, I learned something that has been helpful to me as a parent with adult children. The lesson I learned had to do with individual perceptions. It is a fact that memories are attached to strong emotions, such as love, hate and fear, and then those memories are filtered through our individual temperaments. What happens then is that our own unique perception of an event is created and a memory is established. But could that memory be wrong? Could it be biased in some way?
Our mom had her hands full with four kids under 5 years of age. Our ages put me as the middle child with a big brother 2 years older and a baby sister 2 years younger and our little brother was only 11 months older then the baby. With this age spread, we shared a lot of the same family events and we made memories together. Later in life, when our younger brother started reminiscing about those family times, I realized he carried away a lot of emotional pain. Having heard my brother repeatedly talk about his emotional pain from those shared events, I finally said to him, "I was there... we were all there... none of us can say we liked what happened, but the rest of us aren’t letting it eat us up like you are. Mom and Dad are not responsible for your perception of what happened in the past, you are. You need to let it go. You need to get over it... it’s burning a hole in your heart."

I know my words were harsh, especially to the ears of a soul that was already hurting, but nothing I said could compare to the anguish my brother had already put himself through. An anguish he constructed through his own perception of what he emotionally felt. We were all there... each of us walking away with our individual, emotional perception of what took place, but it was our younger brother who allowed his perception to lead him into a self-inflicted emotional trauma. An emotional trauma experienced by one... made through the thoughts and mind of one.

As his sister, I had taken the liberty of being harsh with my brother on purpose. No doubt he didn’t like what he heard, but he needed to hear it, and after hearing it, he needed to process it. It was a few years after this that my brother finally desired to trust the Lord as his Saviour. I lead him to the Lord and his story is posted on my blog entitled "After 33 Years".

However, as a parent, harsh statements like that to our own children could be devastating to them. Funny how it works, but even when you children are adults a sibling still has more liberty to address delicate issues than a parent. Let a parent say something harsh to their adult child and they still can be plummeted into an emotional depth of despair, the intimidation and rejection of your words will further alienate your child from you. That’s not parental tough-love, that’s just callousness.

Our perceptions are our responsibility. And it is our responsibility to figure it out, not our parents, they’re not to blame for what we choose to carry as our emotional baggage (nor is anyone else, for that matter). Occasionally, parents need to be willing to "walk down memory lane" through the eyes of their children... and that could be a painful walk, but parents need to be willing to hear the heartache of what was experienced through the memories and perceptions of their child. Looking through old family pictures together is one way to revisit the past with each person having an opportunity to recall the event depicted through their own perceptions. Memories tend to be one-sided so parents need to softly interject the other side of the story, correcting any misinformation that there might be. Did you know that memories are a lot like overhearing one-side of a phone conversation? Until you’re able to put together what you heard with what you didn’t hear, of the phone conversation, all your information could be nothing but misinformation.

If you were to interview our 5 adult children, they would most likely reminisce about shared family events, but I also have no doubt you would get 5 different perceptions of what it was like growing up in the Coley household, as it is also true for my siblings and I. Perceptions are relative to our emotional health.

I read a book by Dave Pelzer entitled A Child Called It, his own story of abuse.
"This book chronicles the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played torturous, unpredictable games--games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it."" (Amazon review)

In his book, Mr. Pelzer wrote: "I believe it is important for people to know that no matter what lies in their past, they can overcome the dark side and press on to a brighter world. It is perhaps a paradox that without the abuse of my past, I might not be what I am today. Because of the darkness in my childhood, I have a deep appreciation for life. I was fortunate enough to turn tragedy into triumph." (page 166; A Child Called "It", by Dave Pelzer, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida, 1995)

Painful events do happen, but the power of those memories is always our choice. We choose to let the memories either make us, or break us.

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This article reminds me of the Old Testament prophet, Elijah. The Bible says of Elijah that he was "subject to like passions as we are..." - James 5:17. Elijah was subject to his own perceptions of events, and even he struggled with his emotions.


Elijah struggled with:
1. Doubts and questions God. - I Kings 17:20

2. Fears for his life at the hands of Jezebel. - I Kings 19:3

3. In despair and wants to die. - I Kings 19:4

4. Depression sets in and he hides in a cave. - I Kings 19:9 & 13

5. Full of self-pity he feels alone; isolated. - I Kings 19:10 & 14

6. Elisha ministered unto Elijah and encourages him. - I Kings 19:21

7. Still fearful and is told "be not afraid" by an angel. - II Kings 1:15


And yet, with power from on high, Elijah was able to:
1. Stopped the dew and rain for 3 ½ yrs. - I Kings 17:1

2. Restore the life of the widow’s son. - I Kings 17:22

3. Defeated the false prophets on Mount Carmel. - I Kings 18:21-40

4. At his word caused it to rain again. - I Kings 18:41

5. Called down fire from heaven. - II Kings 1:10-12

6. Parted the waters of river Jordan to cross on dry land. - II Kings 2:8

7. Did not die, was taken up into heaven by a whirlwind. - II Kings 2:11

Lessons From The Empty Nest ~ The Biggest Struggle

The biggest struggle in parenting adult children has little to do with the kids but a great deal to do with the parents. In our family, my husband and I are the blessed parents of 5 adult children, ages 24 to 33, who were all naturally born to us during our 34+ years of marriage. In addition to our one son and four daughters, we also have one son-in-law and two grandsons. (In this day-and-age, with the family under so much attack, it seemed necessary for me to clarify what I meant when I said "our family".)

My biggest struggle with our all-adult family has been to remember that my position has changed... I'm not parenting any more, I'm counseling. That means, as difficult as it sometimes is, I should act like a counselor and wait to be asked for my help or advise. Then, when I am asked, I need to answer with respect, keeping it short, sweet and to the point. If the particular topic has a painfully difficult response, I must present it in an unassertive way, being careful not to take the "I told you so" attitude either. I have to back-off and let them pick themselves up... dig themselves out... intervention is not always the right thing.

These are things I have to work at because the momma in me wants to protect and defend my children through all their difficulties, even the self-inflicted ones. This I have learned... I cannot protect my children from their choices... I am not responsible for their adult decisions.

I have to admit, it is an ego thing to want my children to do well so that I’m viewed as having been a great parent. What parent doesn’t enjoy the praise of others telling them, "you did a good job in raising your kids, you are to be commended". But when it comes to parenting, there are two sides and an individual’s free-will (freedom to choose) is a huge factor in the outcome of this parenting equation... sometimes, the result is... what is taught is not always caught.

As Christian parents, we have the God-given command and responsibility to tell, and to show by example, the right path our children are to follow, but God only holds us accountable to teach our children right, and after that, God holds them accountable for their choices. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7; 4:9, Proverbs 3:1-3; 4:1-13, 20-23; 34:13, 14; Hebrews 2:1)

God gave to each of us a free-will; freedom to choose. With our adult children, their choices are their own, and God does not make us responsible for what they choose. It is not our failure when our adult children choose a path contrary to what they were taught, it is their choice. By example, God did not fail in parenting the Children of Israel because of their wicked choices. Sad is the story of how God showed Himself wonderful and mighty by sending the ten plagues of Egypt to convince the Pharaoh to "let my people go" only to have His people worship a golden calf. (Exodus chapters 5 through 12 and 32) God did not fail as a Parent because of the free-will choices of His children, nor did He intervene when their choices were wrong. God allowed the consequences of their choices to render their judgment thereby teaching them accountability and responsibility.

When intervention takes place, it means that the free-will of an individual has been subverted by someone else. This may be an appropriate response of parents with young children, but with an adult, it means their freedom has been taken away. And, when freedom has been taken away, we are the prisoners of another person’s will instead of our own. God has omniscient power to intervene, but God’s intervention would then mean God was removing from us our freedom to choose, and without free-will we cannot love because love is the ultimate freedom of choice.

One day, our adult children will return to us by one of three ways:
1.) They will return with thanks: "Mom and Dad, you raised me right, and I listened, and I’m thankful that I did."
2.) The will return with no thanks: "Mom and Dad, you raised me right, but I decided I didn’t want to walk that path...".
3.) They return reproach: "Mom and Dad, you knew the right way and you never told me...".