Beating Post High School Challenges

Beating Post HS Challenges
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

Have you ever seen a train wreck? There’s not a much more vivid metaphor than the unbridled collision of several tons of moving metal resulting in twisted steel, broken glass and an industrial disaster of gargantuan proportions. Too often we see high school graduates celebrate their graduation night and start down the tracks of adulthood only to wreck their lives just a few miles from the train station!

This is the time of year we see our graduates “commence”—begin their adult lives, their post-high school years; so I thought it would be appropriate to consider the top three challenges facing every graduate. It could be stated that these are the first big and immediate tests that confront a young adult immediately after high school. If they pass these tests, they avoid the bad decisions that can lead to a spiritual train wreck. Perhaps these thoughts will be helpful to you as you prepare graduates for adulthood!

1. The Challenge of a Job—Exodus 20:9-10 says, “Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God.” God created us to work and expects us to lead productive lives. (Ecclesiastes 9:10, “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.”) And every young adult is excited about having that first job! Mine was making Big Macs at McDonalds. What a joy. And yet, so many young people allow their job to become their first spiritual downfall—often within a few weeks of high school graduation. How?

They Work at the Wrong Place—even in a tough economy, starter jobs are pretty easy to find—especially for hard working, honest, and clean-cut young people. It’s amazing how many Christians will take jobs at places that a Christian has no business working. No amount of money is worth corrupting your heart and mind, so teach young adults to be selective about work environments. It is possible to work in the world without “eating the king’s meat.” For every Christian, there ought to be some places we just wouldn’t work, no matter what.

They Work at the Wrong Time—the first test of a new job is Sunday work. How is it that we can toss God and His church aside for $7.50 an hour? One of the greatest reasons young people fall away from God after high school is that they stop attending church because of work! But for those who honor God’s commands and protect Sunday, God always provides for their needs in a better way. I’ve watched it hundreds of times over the years—God always takes care of those who protect His day and who stay deliberately and faithfully involved in their local church.

They Work for the Wrong Purpose—some young people view their new job as nothing more than a way to meet new friends and buy clothes or iPods, while others see it as a temporary means to a more important end and a way to be a witness for Christ. Those with a higher purpose—pursuing the will of God—always keep their job in check and view it as an opportunity to facilitate God’s will in other areas.

2. The big challenge is that of friends. Daniel chapter 1 is one of the greatest lessons on friendship in the entire Bible. Because one man took at stand, three others stood with him—regardless of the rest of the crowd. And in the end, all four of them ended up 10 times better than everyone else in the realm! What a huge lesson on carefully choosing friends and being willing to walk away from the wrong crowd.

After graduation—those who choose the wrong crowd basically choose the wrong life! It’s that simple.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Nothing changes more rapidly after high school than friendships! A new job, less time with youth group friends, and college brings a whole new world of associations into the life of a young adult. This is a wonderful opportunity that brings with it some danger for those unprepared. Essentially, every graduate needs to understand how to draw a careful line between friends and acquaintances—defined as follows:

Skeptics, Spectators, and Servants

Skeptics, Spectators, and Servants
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

In John 11, the amazing story of the raising of Lazarus unfolds. Not long ago, I was studying this passage and it occurred to me that there were three distinct groups of people at this resurrection, and those groups are still pretty much “alive and kicking” in today’s local churches.

Picture the scene—Jesus has waited for Mary outside of town, and “the Jews” have followed her, weeping (John 11:32-33), as she goes to meet Him. Then together they go to Lazarus’ grave, and the Jews follow. In the next few moments an unbelievable miracle occurs—Jesus raises a man from the dead! And in the midst of this amazing event, we see three groups:

First, meet the skeptics (11:46)—amazingly, these were people who, though a man was just raised from the dead, all they could do was run to the pharisees to stir up trouble! When I read that verse, I want to scream at them, “Are you kidding me?! What are you insane?! A man was just resurrected! Are we living on the same planet here?” Plainly, these people were nuts—absolutely disconnected and dysfunctional in every way.

Skeptics. They are everywhere, and no matter what happens, they just can’t accept truth. In modern ministry, these are the people standing in the shadows, arms folded, sporting an obviously cynical attitude—no matter whose life is changing! They are self-appointed, self-righteous cynics who set out in any endeavor to doubt and question the actions and motives of others. They are professional murmurers whose built-in paradigm paints everything in a negative light, regardless of how pure or true it may be. Skeptics never participate in God’s work. They just tag along with those who do, so they can criticize them later.

Second, meet the spectators (11:33, 11:45)—at the same scene were Jews, friends of Mary and Martha, who were not yet followers of Jesus. But they were curious about Him. They followed Mary to meet Him. They watched as He spoke with Mary. They even commented and speculated as to what Jesus was saying and how He was feeling. And a few moments later, they saw the miracle and finally believed!

In modern ministry, these are the people standing on the sidelines without an attitude or negative paradigm. They are intrigued—curious. They are interested in what’s happening. They are still evaluating. They like the excitement of a growing church, a dynamic environment, or an energetic group of joyful people. But they are not participating—yet! (Emphasis on yet.) For now they are just watching. Spectators don’t have any ill-will. They aren’t an enemy. Sometimes they are just a bit fearful or hesitant to take a risk, make the sacrifice, commit to a decision, or really “get involved.”

Spectators are inviting you to convince them—to win them. They are looking for a compelling reason to believe. They are waiting to see if you are for real. And notice that Jesus didn’t chase them off. Quite the opposite. The whole miracle was for these people, that they might believe (11:42). Don’t be a spectator hater. Just patiently help them see and believe. And be patient. Sometimes it takes time.

Finally, meet the servants (11:41)—somebody moved the stone. The Bible says, “they.” I don’t know who “they” were, but I sure like them! They weren’t skeptical, and they weren’t spectating. They were obedient. They stepped up, heard Jesus’ seemingly nonsensical command to “take away the stone,” and they just did what He said! Amazing! What faith. What hearts. What simple, servant-hearted people.

In modern ministry, these are the people fully engaged in the work of God. They are immersed in the ministry, the effort, or the energy in motion—simply because they love the Lord and want to obey Him. They are gladly giving of themselves and willingly expending themselves in faith. They are engaged in serving so that others around them might believe. They are up earlier, awake longer, working harder, and loving every minute of it! They relish not just seeing God work, but actually participating in God’s work! They don’t want to criticize a great work. They refuse to just watch a great work—they have to be in the work! They are addicted to the ministry. (1 Corinthians 16:15)

Simple question—who are you? Are you a skeptic? A spectator? Or a servant? When you are found in the midst of a ministry miracle, which group do you join? Are you standing in the shadows, arms folded, sporting a scowl and eager to run to your lair to pick it apart? Are you watching on the sidelines with curiosity and intrigue, not quite sure you believe? Or are you rolling up your sleeves to join the guys who are moving the stone?

As for me—I don’t want to live my life in the critic’s lair or on the spectator’s sideline. I want God to thrust me into the action of authentic ministry! Let me be one of the guys that moves the stone so that others might see God’s miracles and believe! http://www.caryschmidt.com/

Winning the Heart

10 Principles for Spirit-filled Discipline
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

The stories are too numerous to recount—Christian parents totally losing it—dads in fist fights with sons, parents in shouting matches with spouses, mothers hurling curse words and personal slurs at their children. Broken glass, holes in sheet rock, and doors slammed off the hinges are just the tip of the iceberg of the real damage. The wounded hearts, the broken relationships, and the closed spirits are the highest prices paid for such uncivilized family life.

Excuses abound as well. “I never had a Christian home.” “Well, my dad hit me a few times too.” “I’m under a lot of stress at work.” “Nobody understands my needs.” “There’s a lot in my past that I’m angry about, and sometimes I take it out on my family.” The fact is, every parent could come up with an excuse for fleshly outbursts because we’re all bound by the flesh!

It’s time for carnal parenting to be banished from Christian homes. If you’re tired of parenting in your flesh—if you’re tired of seeing your own parents in the mirror—then read on. God has a different roadmap for biblical parenting. It’s not rocket science, but it will require a teachable spirit, a humble heart, and submission to basic biblical guidelines. It will require personal growth, teamwork with your spouse, and the development of new habits—Spirit-filled responses.

Regardless of the home life you have experienced, if you know Christ, you are a perfect candidate for becoming a Spirit-filled parent of wisdom, grace, self-control, and loving authority. A carnal parent and a Spirit-filled parent are night and day different! And the products of Spirit-filled discipline are stronger relationships, closer hearts, changed lives, and the list goes on. In an effort to build godly practices into our discipline, let’s quickly discover ten principles that govern Spirit-filled discipline. Discipline that develops the heart is:

1. Controlled and Premeditated
Spirit-filled discipline doesn’t fly off the handle or out of control. It isn’t easily provoked into rage. Personal anger, frustration, and temper are set aside or allowed to cool off privately with the Lord. Proverbs 16:32, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.” Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

2. Biblically Principled and Corrective
Spirit-filled discipline rests upon the authority of God and His Word, and it isn’t easily manipulated. It always brings a biblical truth into play and helps the heart understand God’s position. In other words, this isn’t about my agenda as a parent. It’s about helping my child understand God and His agenda. Therefore, I won’t be easily manipulated by excuses or emotions. I will be more focused on teaching my child God’s precepts. Proverbs 19:18, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

3. Instructive and Nurturing
Spirit-filled discipline moves beyond reaction and actually instructs and teaches. Too often our discipline is merely a reaction to a moment rather than a premeditation of development. Real discipline will think through the values, the heart, and the character of the child. Real discipline isn’t only punitive; it is restorative and instructive. It’s not merely about handing down punishment. It’s about training the character. Proverbs 4:1-4, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law. For I was my father’s son, tender and only beloved in the sight of my mother. He taught me also, and said unto me, Let thine heart retain my words: keep my commandments, and live.”

4. Focused on Beliefs Rather Than Behavior
Spirit-filled discipline seeks to understand the beliefs that drive behavior, not merely to change behavior. Carnal discipline is very self-centered. It seeks to get the child to behave the way I want right now—thus avoiding embarassment or resolving my temporary frustration. It basically says, “I don’t care about your long-term character, I just want you to stop annoying me right now.” Spirit-filled discipline always sets self aside and focuses on the development of the child’s heart. It’s not about modifying behavior, but modifying the heart! Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Influence vs. Control

Influence vs. Control
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

Sometimes we get mixed up in ministry. We forget that our responsibility is not control it is influence. God never gave us control of people, their lifestyles, or their choices. He created free will, and gives each individual responsibility for their choices. I fear, out of good intentions, some spiritual leaders cross the line and actually try to control behavior rather than influence the heart. There are a lot of reasons this well-intentioned approach to ministry is really bad:

God Gave Us Influence not Control—He allows us to influence others, but He reserves the right of control strictly to Himself. In ministry, it is influence that we seek, and only that we might use influence to compel others to live by biblical principles in complete submission to the One who truly does have ultimate control. We don’t have control of others—ever. God does. And He loans us influence—through spiritual means. He commands us to be living examples to others, persuading them, not mandating them, to live godly. (”In meekness instructing them that opposed themselves.” 2 Timothy 2:25) We cannot mandate others to live righteously, but we can persuade them to. We cannot push others to God, but we can lead them to Him.

Control Is a Delusion, Influence Is Real—Even if we fools ourselves into believing we could have control, it’s a myth. We don’t. We never have. We couldn’t. We shouldn’t want to. It is a complete waste of time to grasp for the reigns of someone else’s decisions. And if someone actually gave us control, it would be temporary, fleeting, ultimately failing, and vain. We have enough trouble controlling ourselves, much less others. (1Timothy 4:16, “Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.”)

Control Is Lordship, Influence Is Leadership—We blow it when we cross the line of spiritual leadership by seeking control. This is simply lording over God’s heritage, which we are commanded not to do. 1 Peter 5:3, “Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.” This phrase being lords over speaks of subjugation, domination, and attempting to control, and God expressly forbid it in spiritual leaders. The word ensamples speaks to influence.

Control Builds Man-Dependence, Influence Builds God-Dependence—If someone actually gave you control of their choices, they become dependent upon you. Wrong answer. They are supposed to be dependent upon God. Spiritual leaders are not called to make decisions for people. We are called to build them in biblical principles that create God-dependence. It’s pretty hard to trust in the Lord with all my heart, if my heart is dependent upon another man. (Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart…”)

People Resent Control, but Appreciate Influence—Attempting to manipulate the behavior of others, even toward ultimately biblical and good ends, only leads to disenchantment and desertion. A life built upon the control of another human being will ultimately run away from that control in search of a better reason for living. To the contrary, a life surrendered to the control of Almighty God has discovered the ultimate purpose of living!

Control Is for Environments, Influence Is for People—Of course you must control your classroom, your youth activity, your church service. God does commands us to let all things be done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40). Controlled environments allow for healthy ministry and effective influence.

Authentic Ministry Is about Influence—Ministry is about developing a biblical relationship with someone that allows you to bring eternal truth—God’s principles—to bear in their decision making, thinking, behavior, and daily lifestyle. This is influence. It isn’t control. (2 Corinthians 5:11, “Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.”)

Influence Is Earned not Grasped—If you don’t have influence with someone (if they are unresponsive to your persuasion), you will never gain influence by grasping for control. Seek to love, not control. Seek to persuade—to gain a sphere of influence through a loving relationship—then work within that sphere to enlarge biblical influence and compel that person to live under the Holy Spirit’s control.

Persuade is the biblical word (2 Corinthians 5:11)—in the end, as ministers of Christ, that’s what we are—persuaders. We seek to persuade, through our lives—our words and our actions. We seek to influence others to live by biblical principle under the authority of Almighty God—to give HIM control, not us.

But always use influence biblically. God gives us influence to use for His glory, not for personal agenda. Our influence should direct others to God’s agenda for their lives, not ours. Our influence should direct others to hear and heed the inner work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. Our persuasion must be thoroughly selfless and abundantly biblical.

In speaking with Dr. John Goetsch about this subject he made this statement, “God identifies people as sheep in the Bible. Sheep cannot be driven, but they can be led.” As we lead people, and influence them, we are genuinely building them in Christ. Hence the spiritual decisions they make are not contrived, forced, mandated, or manufactured. They are genuinely produced by the Spirit of God.

The hardest part of ministry is watching people do things and make decisions that you know are harmful to them. God doesn’t give us control of those decisions. But He does allow us influence—the power of persuasion. Seek to influence others with a servant’s heart today.

Actually it’s kind of funny to think that one dumb sheep would attempt to control another dumb sheep. Let’s leave the control part up to God, and do our best to take heed unto ourselves and biblically influence others to do the same. http://www.caryschmidt.com/

Stuff Christians Need to Stop Doing

Life is filled with reminders that we really aren’t in control. And when those reminders come—like a bucket of cold water—they can startle us into a carnal cycle of thinking. They can lead us into a downward spiral of emotional and spiritual distress. They can bring out the most fleshly of thought patterns.

These are really bad habits—far worse than nail-biting or over-eating. These are more elusive bad habits, and a lot more dangerous. They are the things that tend to creep in when life takes a turn we didn’t approve of. These are attitudes or behaviors we tend to default into when expectations go unmet or dreams are left unfulfilled—when our hopes are smashed on the rocks of disappointment.

If you haven’t already had this experience in the new year, you will soon. It may be something as small as a bad hair day or as large as a major life crisis—but guaranteed, something in your life, very soon, will not go as you expected or planned. Here’s the question.

When that happens, how will you respond?

May I suggest the following course of action:

1. Stop Complaining, Start Thanking
Just take a look at the book of Exodus and examine the word “murmur” in its various forms. You will discover that God takes complaining very seriously. And in contrast, He commands us repeatedly in His Word to give thanks unto Him—in all things and for all things. So, when things go wrong, start right here. Don’t complain. Don’t murmur. It’s a waste of emotional energy. Murmuring is against God—it is a formal complaint against His sovereignty. Refuse to do it. Instead, take the high road and say “Thank you!” It may seem impossible. It may feel awkward. But it is obedient, and it’s the first step to having real joy, even when things aren’t going according to plan.

2. Stop Moping, Start Hoping
Murmuring leads to moping. Complaints, whether kept in the heart or uttered on the lips, are like weights draped over the soul. They are heavy and burdensome. They laden the heart with self-pity and false feelings of “I deserve better.” Self-pity is a pathetic trap—don’t go there. Moping robs the heart of the blessing of God’s presence and power in the midst of the trial. It quenches the Spirit. Choosing to mope is the same as choosing to prolong and even worsen the agony of disappointment. Decide that moping is out in the new year. No self-pity. Instead, determine to hope in God, no matter where the road of life may twist or turn.

3. Stop Envying, Start Serving
First we murmur, then we mope, then we resent. We start to look at others and compare. We start to tabulate and calculate. And in our fleshly mind-set, we always come up short. Someone else has it better. Someone else has it easier. It’s a mind game we will never win. Comparison leads to envy and discontentment—a bad spirit festers and feeds on every perceived inequity or injustice. STOP!

Defeating the Media Monster

Defeating the Media Monster
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)
Media will eat your family alive, unless you tell it not to!

I have a deep inner aversion to living things that crawl, creep, fly, or slither around and find their way into places they don’t belong. They bother me. They creep me out. I just want them dead as quickly as I can make it happen. It’s not really of fear, but of something that has more to do with dominance and my human right to “not be creeped out”! (After all, it’s in everybody’s basic rights—life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the freedom to be uncreeped!) http://www.caryschmidt.com

Not long ago, I had a bat in my office. Another time, a bird came flying in—yes, a BIRD—into my third-floor office! Shortly thereafter, a lizard showed up in a secretary’s office. And as you might imagine, these things not only hindered work flow, they significantly raised the threat level on the “creep-ometer.” They were nasty little living things that found their way into areas they didn’t belong. They disturbed and disrupted, and they had to be dealt with. And in each case—they were. (The sentence was “death by broomstick.”)

In much the same way, only on a spiritual level, the media of our society is constantly and forever trying to creep its way into places it doesn’t belong—in our hearts and homes. The tools of that media come in a wide variety—from TVs, to computers, to video game consoles, to cell phones, to iPods, to social websites and dozens of other helpful and potentially enjoyable gadgets and toys. The message of that media depends upon our day to day choices—who we communicate with, what we listen to, what we post, what we watch or play, and who we follow or befriend. The media itself isn’t all bad and the tools of media are not intrinsically wicked—it’s what that media can become and the unrestrained messages it brings with it that poses great risk.

Simply put: media will eat your family alive unless you tell it not to. When unrestrained, media can be like little roving creatures looking for a new place to settle. Uncontained, it will creep and crawl its way into every possible area of your life, family, and relationships—threatening a lot of good stuff along the way. In our society, media is Satan’s primary tool of communication and destruction—in spite of the good that modern technology can bring.

So what do Christian families do with so many varieties of media threats? There are two extremes. The first is to completely ignore the threat, letting each family member have complete media freedom. In this case media becomes a raging monster rampaging through a home with an insatiable appetite for destroying relationships and addicting hearts to sin and vice. The second extreme is unprincipled abstinence—the decision to remove all media from our lives without explanation or biblical training. This approach results in our children eventually facing the media monster alone in their adult lives with no biblical foundation on which to stand. In the first extreme, media becomes dominant in the home and relationships die early. In the second, media waits patiently to ravage an unprepared life later.

In a multimedia age, it’s time that parents and children engage in the day to day process of understanding, discerning, taming, and containing the media beast. Proverbs 22:6 teaches us, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” The process of “training up” is a time-consuming, fully-engaged, active, and deliberate course of action. Yet, I find that few parents have intentionally determined to “train up” their children in defeating one of the greatest threats to their future spiritual well-being—mass media (including airwaves, music, internet, video games, cell-phones and all that comes with them.)

Some parents desire to “train up” but they feel overwhelmed or are not sure where to begin. Yet, the risk is too great not to jump on this beast and ride it into submission. Honestly, we’re all still learning and media is ever changing, but for the next page, let’s examine the big challenges media brings, and then some practical steps to defeating and taming this monster. There are five huge challenges that media brings into our homes:

First, the challenge of perversion—whether it’s a TV show, an inappropriate website, or a profane facebook posting, the media of our culture has given a loud and long voice to a massive amount of perversion. It’s difficult to even buy a gallon of milk without having to see and hear the filth of our world being broadcast or displayed. Even the conservative news outlets are shameless when it comes to advertising or stories having to do with sexual matters. This challenge threatens our purity, and God commands us to flee youthful lusts (Ephesians 4:29) and to be wise to that which is good and simple concerning evil (Romans 16:19).

Second, is the challenge of deception—the media of our culture is constantly heralding Satan’s lies about love, happiness, and life. Additionally, the internet gives someone a lot of opportunities to “be someone else” or to participate in gossip, slander, and harmful chat. The deception of anonymity has drawn many into second lives, inappropriate relationships, and deceptive communications. But God tells us in James 4:8 to cleanse our hands, purify our hearts from double-mindedness and draw nigh to God once again.

Who Is Increasing In Your Life?

Who Is Increasing In Your Life?
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)
The final message of Spiritual Leadership Conference 2010 was brought by Dr. Don Sisk and entitled “He Must Increase, I Must Decrease.” It was awesome! It profoundly impacted me, and I wanted to share a synopsis of it here. Perhaps it will encourage you.

Taken from the statement of John the Baptist in John 3:30, Dr. Sisk challenged us with this question: Who is growing (or increasing) in your life? A servant leader will always seek to decrease that Christ might increase. And when Christ increases, many things will reveal that increase—Dr. Sisk gave six evidences:

When Christ increases in my life, the following six things will happen:

1. I will think less of self and more about others. Every day that I live, I am more and more challenged by this thought. It’s so easy to think of me first. Isn’t it great that the Holy Spirit offers to fill us and help us overcome such a demanding flesh!

2. I will be less interested in material possessions and more interested in eternal values. This one heaps more conviction upon the first! With culture constantly calling us to the discontented life, a Christ-dominant life will rest in contentment only found in Him, and will seek His kingdom first.

3. I will be less competitive with others and more cooperative with others. Whether it’s between siblings in the same family, members in the same church, staff members on the same team, or pastors in the same city, this one is tough to hide! Everyone benefits when you choose to humble yourself and cooperate with those that God has placed in your life—regardless of who gets the credit.

4. I will be less concerned about drawing a crowd and more concerned about making disciples. It’s not about the size of a church, it’s about the magnitude of our awesome Saviour and His work in transforming even one life! My life was changed in a small church, and chances are so was yours.

5. I will be less consumed with what I want to do and more consumed with what God wants me to do. It’s amazing how we can impose our good intentions upon God. We can dictate how we desire to serve Him. But when Christ increases, what I want becomes irrelevant. Obeying Him becomes life’s primary focus.

6. I will be less consumed with keeping everyone together and more concerned about getting people out to the lost. A challenge to parents regarding their children, to Christians living in their own personal comfort zone, and to pastors, this point calls us to go where God leads us, even when it means saying goodbye to those we love.

In conclusion, Dr. Sisk asked: Who is growing in my life? If I am getting bigger, then Jesus is getting smaller. If I am getting smaller, then Jesus is getting bigger.

May God give us a desire to decrease that He might increase and fulfill all of His will in us and through us!

Note: I encourage you to listen to the message. You will find it in audio form here... http://www.caryschmidt.com/

Making the Busiest Time of Year the Best!

Making the Busiest Time of Year the Best!
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

No doubt, this is the best time of the year! And in many ways, it’s also the busiest. There’s a simple, effective way to make the Christmas season balanced and Christ-honoring. On this first day of December I challenge you to do the following exercise. It will spare you a lot of frustration in the next four weeks.

1. Start with the December Calendar—get the month of December, and place everything you have scheduled onto that calendar. Though I use a computer calendar, I find that printing it out helps for this process. The key is, it must be complete. Everything you have scheduled needs to be visible in one place—every church service, every soulwinning time, every appointment, every fellowship, every basketball game, every commitment, etc. You might consider color coding it—family, church, work, etc.

2. Set an Appointment with Your Spouse—find at least an hour over lunch or go to a quiet place where you can study the month together and discuss the commitments. This appointment is critical. A lot of times, we have frustration in our relationships regarding schedules because of a lack of communication. When our expectations differ, we are on a collision course. When we can talk about our schedule ahead of time and decide together what is best, things go better because we share the same expectations. This solves a lot of problems before they happen.

3. Together, Make a List of Things You Want/Need to Do This Month—creatively make a list of the things you want to do to make December special and memorable. For us this is usually things like decorate the tree, make some sugar cookies, play some games on family nights, have a couple of nice dinners out, take family photos, do some Christmas shopping, maybe visit a Christmas place (lights, etc.). Decide when and how you will make Christmas memorable for your family.

4. Together, Make a List of People You Desire to Minister To—the Lord will lead you to minister to people this season. It might be a neighbor, a friend, a coworker, a Sunday school class, or some other family or group in your church. Determine how you will minister to them—whether it is inviting them to church, hosting them at your home, baking some treats, hosting a fellowship, or doing some other act of kindness.

Before You Criticize Your Pastor…

Before You Criticize Your Pastor…
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

Ever noticed that some people relish the criticism of pastors? Like kids and candy—they addict themselves even though it’s rotting something in them. While choosing voluntarily to stay under his leadership, they commit themselves to finding and exploiting every possible imperfection. I’ve never understood this thinking. Selecting a pastor, only to proceed to condemn the selection doesn’t make sense. It’s a strange, sad little game that brings some bizarre satisfaction.

The next time you are tempted to join this crowd and participate in “roasted pastor” after Sunday services, take a moment to remember this list…

Remember the sacrifice he makes to be in the ministry—good pastors would be good at a lot of other things, and most of them could make a lot more money in secular employment. He stays in the ministry because he loves you!

Remember the biblical nurture he provides for your life and family—his study and prayer time have proven effective in feeding and nurturing your spiritual life. He labors in the Word so that your Christian life can be stronger.

Remember the qualities that caused you to appreciate his leadership—at some point you voluntarily placed yourself under his leadership and influence. Take a moment and remember the good qualities that originally led you to this decision!

Remember the victories he has led you towards in life—because of his leadership you’ve probably had a part in some personal and ministry victories—some joyful, abundant moments. Delight in those memories!

Remember the spiritual decisions you have made because of his influence—because of his preaching, you’ve probably avoided some traps, been spared some bad decisions, and seen some real spiritual growth. Take a moment to reflect on those decisions.

Remember that plenty of others are criticizing him—anybody can be a critic, because everybody is imperfect! Look long enough and you’ll find fault with everybody. Too many people join “the dark side.” There’s nothing virtuous or valiant about finding fault and pointing it out—any unspiritual nitwit can do it. It takes a lot more spiritual maturity and depth to be steadfastly committed to a perfect cause with an imperfect church family!

Remember he’s probably bearing burdens he cannot tell you about—outside of my petty little world, my pastor is probably dealing with big things—a man whose life is falling a part, a family on the brink of destruction, a dying loved one, a personal spiritual attack, a church member facing a trial, a child who’s been sexually abused, a wife whose husband just left. He can’t tell you about it all, but it’s still there and it’s all very, very real.

Remember he probably has information you don’t have—critics never have the full story, and usually they grossly distort the few details they do have. It’s their modus operandi! They don’t want the full story—because it removes their ability to imagine and distort it in their favor with their troll-ish followers. I used to believe everybody wanted the truth. Boy was that naive! The few times I’ve tried to approach a dedicated critic with the truth, they either ignore it, don’t believe it, or refuse to hear it. When you don’t understand a decision, just remember, the pastor probably sees a part of this picture that you can’t see.

10 Things Teens Won’t Tell You

10 Things Teens Won’t Tell You
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

Have you noticed that teens are tight lipped? For a myriad of reasons—usually intimidation being the biggest—they really find it difficult to talk to adults at times. This is especially true with parents. In every home, there is a spiritual battle against authentic communication. Let’s face it—the devil doesn’t want parents and teens to truly open their hearts to each other.

But strong families resist this battle and conquer it. On the other side of the mountain of silence is a fertile meadow of healthy hearts. It’s a deliberate journey to get there, but it’s worth the effort. There isn’t a much sweeter experience in life than open, honest, heart-full communication between a parent and teen. When you have it, you gain a deep, satisfactory sense that this is what God intended in a family.

Malachi 4:6 teaches, “And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers…” In an effort to turn your heart toward your children, I wanted to share the results of a simple survey I did with our students several years ago. These statements and quotes came from faithful Christian adults who grew up in godly homes and in our youth group. The quotes below is what they shared about why they stayed faithful God. This list is what your teens think, whether they tell you or not; and it’s a great place to start a conversation:

1. I know whether you are faking it or not. (Contradiction is extremely confusing.) Amazingly, teens can see straight through us. They know our hearts, they constantly evaluate our motives, our spirit, and our life. If it’s consistent, then they accept our faith as real. If not, then they struggle with the conflict and often reject our faith outright.

Quote: “The teens are encouraged to read their Bibles and I am sure some of them have never seen their parents even pray outside of church.”

Quote: “I don’t think my parents ever contradicted themselves. They live honest lives, which makes it easy to trust them.”

Quote: “Honestly, I can’t remember my parents ever faking it. They were very open and honest with me.”

2. I need to talk openly with you about our faith. (Make sense of my faith.) Teens have questions. That doesn’t automatically make them rebels. They simply need to make a legitimate connection between God’s principles and real life. Many parents see this as the church’s responsibility. And, in part, it is. But every parent must help their teens see the common sense behind God’s eternal truth.

Quote: “My parents were great at this – especially my dad. He would always be bringing up different spiritual issues and explaining to me why we believed it. Sometimes he would bring up different arguments that unsaved people give about some of the things we believe, and he would explain to us why these arguments were wrong.”

Quote: “I never had to bring up a conversation about God or what we believed. My parents were always using every chance they got to expound on why we believe what we believe- there’s a spiritual moral to everything in life.”

Quote: “I grew up in a great church with great Bible preaching (that left few holes to be filled). I didn’t go to my parents often with questions about our faith, but when I did, I receive a Bible answer.”

How to Help a Wounded Person

How to Help a Wounded Person
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)

One of the most difficult circumstances of life and ministry is to try to help someone who has been deeply hurt. These are hard moments. More than anything, you want to take away the hurt, undo the pain, and fix the problem. But it’s just not that easy. Woundedness—regardless of how it occurred—requires time and God’s grace in order to heal.

Here are a few thoughts (not exhaustive by any means) that you might be able to place in your tool box to encourage and help those who are wounded.

First—Teach through Hebrews 12. Much of life’s pain is not disciplinary in nature—but all of it is allowed of God and is intended to be used by Him to produce good in our lives (Romans 8:28). Hebrews 12 deals powerfully with how Christians should respond to wounds and chastening—by claiming God’s grace and turning away from bitterness. As I study this passage it seems that chastening can be both disciplinary and nurturing in nature. In other words, it’s not always about discipline, but it is always difficult and painful.

Second—Emphasize God’s Desire to Heal. (vs. 13) The focus of Hebrews 12 is the peaceable fruit—the outcome of grace. Help the hurting person find hope in looking forward. In time, God’s grace can work all things to our eventual profit. Satan wants the hurting to only focus on the past—the hurt. After all, it’s difficult to imagine how the abuse of another can produce something good in me! God calls His child to “lift up the hands which hang down.” He offers hope in what is yet to come by His grace.

Third—Call the Hurting to Pursue Peace with All Men. (v. 14) For God’s healing, the wounded must have a right heart toward the relationships of life—even the broken ones. This is a bit different for each situation, and forgiveness is always a journey—a process of forgiving over and over again. But one condition of God’s healing is that the hurting must have an agenda of peace not revenge or resentment.

Becoming an Insightful Parent

Becoming an Insightful Parent
By Cary Schmidt (published by permission)
Becoming an Insightful ParentDiscerning Your Child’s Needs and Responding Biblically

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Do you understand your children? Do you know how to interpret their behavior? Do you understand warning signs and know how to respond? Do you connect their outward behavior with the condition of their heart?

 In Hebrews 5:12-13 we read a challenge to believers to be skillful in the Word and discerning, “For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat. 13 For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. 14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”

The word discerning speaks of judicial estimation—the wisdom and ability to see what’s really doing on in a circumstance. This ability is something we should all desire in every area of life, but especially with nurturing of our own children. Frankly, the primary thing many parents care about is if their kids are “staying out of trouble.” But discerning parents desire to get beneath the surface and to understand what’s going on in they heart. Why?

The heart is where Biblical values are formed—only when we understand their heart can we understand where they stand with God, and if their faith is authentic or merely an outward, temporary show.

The heart is where questions are contemplated—every child has questions, and Satan is good at exploiting these questions and providing false answers. Parents who get into the heart, unearth those questions so they can provide biblical answers.

The heart is where real relationships are cultivated—like the root system of a tree or healthy plant, it’s beneath the surface, face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart, that a strong relationship and authentic closeness is built.

The heart is where spiritual battle is fought—the Devil is going after our kids hearts. He wants their emotions, their beliefs, and their attitudes. If we’re going to with the spiritual battle, it must be fought for the heart.

A discerning parent is constantly on a sacred pursuit of their child’s heart. Let’s examine ten keys to developing a discerning spirit with our children:

1. Understand God’s Word - the primary way that any of us grow in discernment is the Word of God. The principles of God’s Word provide a foundation of understanding. If you will become a discerning parent, you must become a student of God’s Word and of good parenting books that expound God’s Word.

2. Ask for God’s Wisdom - This is one of God’s great promises to us in James 1—that He will give wisdom to anyone who will ask in faith. Wisdom is the ability to see the real needs and know how to respond. It is the ability to see your child as God sees and to respond as He would have you to respond. Wisdom will help you know when they need to be sent to their room, taken out to lunch, or put to bed.

3. Pray with and for Your Children - nothing will help you understand where the heart is like prayer with someone. Make it a priority to pray with them each night before bed. Sense their heart toward you, toward the Lord, and toward the challenges of life through their response—physically, in prayer. So few parents actually do this, but it’s so powerful and so simple! This brief time of prayer will accomplish spiritually what weeks and weeks of human effort could never accomplish.